A Life Worth Living - Chapter 2

A LIFE WORTH LIVING

By Gabi

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Action/Adventure/Angst

Summary: What if both Trip and Sim had survived the transplantation? Takes place during Similitude

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't own the characters and I don't make any money with this story.

~~~

Chapter 2

It was 6:30 in the morning when Trip woke up, realizing that he had only gotten two hours of sleep. His head was throbbing once again and his joints were aching. Groaning, he turned around and switched on the lights, turning them low so as not to wake Sim. But the cot on the other side of the room was empty. Sim was gone.

Trip raised his eyebrows in surprise. Maybe he had gone to the messhall to have an early cup of coffee. Coffee didn't seem a bad idea to him, either.

Awkwardly, Trip got up and stumbled to the bathroom. A short shower refreshed his mind and eased his headache. Trip eyed himself in the mirror. Actually, he didn't look so bad. He ran his hand over his cheeks, his eyes widening in surprise when a thought crossed his mind. He had been in a coma for two weeks but had only a three days' worth of stubble on his face. So someone had taken care of him, shaved him and probably washed him as well. It was an embarrassing thought but it was reassuring as well that he hadn't been forgotten.

Trip decided to stop pondering, brushed his teeth, shaved and slipped into a fresh uniform. He was still off duty but it was a good feeling of normality to wear his uniform again.

Trip smiled when he left his quarters. After two weeks of infusions his body ached for a good shot of caffeine. For the first time since he had woken up in sickbay he felt really hungry and he looked forward to a hearty breakfast. Scrambled eggs and bacon wouldn't be a bad thing. Trip felt his mouth water, but then he realized that his feet weren't carrying him to the messhall but directly to Engineering. Trip shrugged. It was okay. Breakfast could wait but he hadn't had a look at his engines for too long. A short detour to Engineering wouldn't matter.

#####

The familiar smell of Engineering and the humming of the engines made Trip feel better in an instant. Gamma shift was still at work, but he could hear the lieutenant in charge report to Hess about an uneventful night. Trip smiled as he listened to them talking, remaining close to the stairs so they wouldn't detect him. Anna took her duties as his substitute very seriously and he was confident that he would find his precious engines in perfect shape. He slipped away and ascended the stairs to the warp core. He was checking the readings when, out of the blue, dizzy spell hit him. He grabbed hold of the core and swallowed. Now he was glad that he hadn't had breakfast yet. He was sure that throwing up over the control panels wouldn't make his captain very happy. When the nausea eventually subsided, Trip lowered himself to the grating, leaning his head against the cool metal of the warp core. He simply couldn't find the energy to get up again and climb down the stairs, so he remained seated and tried to breathe deeply and evenly to regain his strength.

He looked up when he heard someone talking. Two crewmen were working beneath him. Trip didn't intend to listen to their talk but he didn't want to give away his presence either. He felt uncomfortable, though, when he realized that they were talking about him.

"I'm glad that Commander Tucker survived", said a woman whose voice Trip recognized as Ensign Fane's.

"Me too," Ensign Carruthers replied. "Mostly because we don't have to have that clone around all the time."

"It wasn't so bad."

"You think so?"

The woman hesitated. "I admit it is a bit awkward looking at Commander Tucker and knowing that it isn't him. But he is a nice guy and it was pleasant to work with him."

"Yeah, because he looked like our CO but he couldn't order us around."

"You're mean, Kevin," Fane said. Despite her words a faint laugh was evident in her voice.

"Am I? Don't you think he's an abomination? This guy has been made out of a weird alien creature. How could someone treat him like a human being?"

"Please stop talking like this." The amusement in Fane's voice was clearly gone. "He saved our lives when we were stuck in the magnetic field. At least he deserves our respect."

"Respect?" Carruthers snorted derisively. "It was unethical to create him in the first place. And I get plain sick from the friendly way the crew treats him. You might think he was a member of our team."

"Actually he is." Fane sighed. "I know that you have difficulties following orders, Kevin, and I know that you had some issues about that with Commander Tucker in the past. Could it be possible that you have something against Sim because he is too much like Commander Tucker?"

"This has nothing to do with Commander Tucker, Susan," Carruthers answered in a hard tone of voice. "A human being is meant to be born and not to be created. That is blasphemy and no one can expect me to show respect towards the outcome of a morbid experiment. But we don't need to talk about him anyway. He'll be gone very soon."

"What do you mean?"

"Haven't you heard? Because he's not a human being, his lifespan is only 15 days. I think he must have lived it out by now. I'm sure we'll be rid of him by tomorrow."

Suddenly a hard voice spoke up, making even Trip flinch. "Don't you have anything to do?" That was Lieutenant Hess, who seemed to be very angry. "Fane, there's a broken EPS relay on
C-Deck and Carruthers, I think the warp coils need cleaning."

"Yes, Ma'am," Fane whispered. Carruthers tried to argue with Hess, but then Trip could see him walk away, his head raised in angry defiance.

Trip leaned back and closed his eyes. He wasn't surprised that Carruthers didn't like him and his style of command, and he himself wasn't very fond of the man, either. But he couldn't condemn him for his opinion because basically Trip had similar thoughts about cloning. It was wrong to treat Sim like it was his own fault that he had come to life, but Trip was sure that most of the crew thought about it the same way he did. But it weren't the preconceptions of a crewmember that troubled him so much that his hands had grown ice cold. Could it be true what he had learnt about Sim? Unable to think straight, he stared at the grating until he heard footsteps on the stairs. Absentmindedly, Trip looked up.

"What are you doing here, Commander?" Hess asked him.

Trip smiled lopsidedly. "I wanted to have a look at the engines."

"I'm aware of that." Hess smiled at him. "I was wondering when you would show up. But what I meant was what are you doing here sitting on the grating?"

Trip sighed. "I can't tell you that I was just getting' comfortable here, can I?"

"No." Hess confirmed, still smiling understandingly. "You're still off duty. You have to take things easy."

Trip shot her a glance that told her clearly that he had heard these words too often over the last few days. Then the expression on his face changed. "Is it true?" he asked sadly. "Y'know, about Sim only havin' a 15 days lifespan?"

Hess bit her lip. "It is the rumor," she said regrettably.

For a moment Trip stared into nothingness then he accepted Hess' help to get up. "I think I'll go back to my quarters," he told her. Hess nodded in agreement and stepped aside to let Trip pass.

#####

Trip had decided that breakfast could wait. He felt much too troubled to face the people in the messhall who hadn't seen him for two weeks. He just couldn't face their well meaning joviality, the questions about his health, and their well wishes. He wasn't feeling up to this at the moment. First, he had to calm down.

He still felt sick when he reached B-deck. Sick from what he had heard. Now he knew why Sim wasn't very comfortable going to the messhall and meeting the crew. Not if more people were thinking like Carruthers, and treated him like a worthless bug. Trip felt the strong need to look for Carruthers and bury his fist in the man's face. Although he had to admit that it surely had to be a strange feeling for the crew. He was still adjusting to his clone himself. But he had never seen him as an abomination. For Trip, Sim wasn't an alien creature that happened to have his features. Sim was more to him. Trip felt very comfortable in his presence, he saw him as a brother.

He didn't dare to think about the rumor he had heard. It couldn't be true that Sim had to die. Of course it was only a rumor some crewmen who didn't like Sim had come up with.

Entering his quarters, he recognized the wonderful smell of scrambled eggs and roasted bacon that hung in the air. Sim smiled at him. "I brought us some breakfast. Thought you'd be hungry."

Trip smiled back, deciding to postpone his worries for the time being.

"You bet." He sat down, placing a napkin on his lap. Having someone around who knew precisely about his tastes had its advantages. "Where have you been?" he asked, ladling a generous portion of eggs and bacon onto his plate. "It can't take this long just to go to the messhall."

"I was supposed to see Phlox this morning for some tests."

"This early?"

Sim shrugged. "I couldn't sleep anyway. He might have the results by this afternoon."

Thoughtfully, Trip looked at the man. "You know the game where I say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind?"

"You know that I know it as well as you do. So what is it?"

Trip eyed his clone carefully. "15-day-lifespan."

Sim swallowed and very carefully he put his fork down to the table. "Who told you?"

"So it's true?" Trip asked.

"Yes, it is." Seeing Trip's shocked face, Sim hurried to explain: "But Phlox is workin' on an enzyme that could guarantee me a normal lifespan."

"Is it workin'?"

"I don't know yet. It shows some effect, otherwise I would be real old by now, but I'm not sure whether it can help me permanently."

Trip shook his head in annoyance. "You're talkin' 'bout it like it's a disease."

"Perhaps it is. Rapid cell aging. C'mon, Trip, you must have thought about it. I grew up within a few days. Every day I grew three or four years older. I'm sure you wondered why the agin' had stopped."

Trip shrugged. "Yeah, I kinda thought about it. Maybe I was hopin' your cellular agin' would stop once you hit my age."

"Stupid thought." Sim smiled.

"Hey, think about who you're callin' stupid here," Trip exclaimed in a mixture of teasing and annoyance. "So what does Phlox think about this enzyme?"

"He tries to look confident every time I show up for my injection. But I don't think that it's workin' perfectly. Phlox has managed to stop the agin' process for now, but I don't like the expression on his face every time he scans me."

"You think the enzyme will fail?"

"It might. Yeah."

"There must be somethin' we can do about this." Trip got up and started walking up and down his quarters. He ran his hand through his hair. "I'm sure Phlox can sort this out. Perhaps T'Pol might be able to assist him."

"She already does." Sim looked at him. "Hey, don't worry, I'm glad that I'm still alive at all."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just what I said. I'm glad that I'm alive. Remember that I used to be just a slimy alien creature."

Trip swallowed to get past the lump in his throat, but decided to not press the matter. He looked at his clone suspiciously. "There's more to it. What is it, Sim?"

Sim hesitated, but then he answered the question, sighing. "I wasn't supposed to wake up again after surgery."

"Huh?" Trip had stopped in his tracks and stared at him. "Say that again."

"I wasn't supposed to survive the transplantation. Phlox told me that I would die and believe me he was very surprised when I didn't."

Trip still stared at him with his mouth open. Eventually he swallowed. "You underwent this surgery knowin' that you would die?" he asked, incredulously. "Why?"

Sim just shrugged. "I was created for this purpose."

"Bullshit!" Trip shouted. "Stop thinkin' about yourself as a deposit for medical spare parts. You may be a clone, but you're also a livin' bein' with your own thoughts and feelings. And no one can expect you to give your life willingly for someone you didn't even know. So why did you do it? And don't give me this shit about bein' created for this."

Sim looked away, definitely feeling uncomfortable answering Trip's question.

When he finally was able to put things together and truth dawned on him Trip inhaled sharply. "He forced you," he whispered hoarsely, full of fear that his own words would be the truth. "He forced you to undergo a surgery that you wouldn't survive."

There was no need to tell Sim who was meant by "he", they both knew. There was no need for Sim to answer either, as Trip could see the truth in his eyes. And suddenly he felt ice-cold inside.

"I can't believe it." Trip cleared his throat. "You are me. Jon is your friend just as much as he is mine."

Sim shook his head sadly. "Jonathan Archer is your friend, but definitely not mine. I have all those memories of him, of our friendship, the good times we shared, but he doesn't know me. I'm a stranger to him. A stranger that accidentally looks like his best friend."

"Even if you're right, that's no reason to force you to die!"

Sim's eyes were full of pain. "Eventually, I did it willingly."

Trip's features hardened. "I don't believe you," he pressed.

"But it's true." Sim's voice was so low that Trip had to strain his ears to understand him. "I did it for our parents. I didn't want them to lose you after they had lost Lizzie so recently. And I did it for Lizzie. So you would survive and find the Xindi." Sim stepped up to Trip and put his hands on his shoulder. "You're right, Trip. I am a livin' bein'. But no one would have accepted me to be you. I have your talents, your feelings, your memories, but I'm not you. And I would never have been able to take your place. Not aboard this ship and not within our family. To save your life was the best thing to do to help all those people I love."

Trip laid his head on Sim's shoulder when tears began to burn in his eyes. He couldn't hold them back and finally he let them flow freely. "I don't deserve such a sacrifice", he sobbed.

Sim hugged him tightly. "You do, brother, you do."

#####

Hoshi smiled a heartfelt welcome when Trip entered the bridge, but her smile faded when she saw his tense features. Trip nodded at her, regretting that he wasn't able to return the smile. He approached the captain.

"You got a minute? We have to talk."

Archer nodded and got up from the captain's chair. "In my ready room."

Once they had entered the ready room, Archer sat down, offering Trip a chair as well. "What happened, Trip? You look upset."

Trip refused to sit down. "Why did you do it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Let's not beat around the bush, Jon. You know perfectly well what I mean. You ordered Phlox to create a livin' bein' only to harvest his brain tissue. And you would have forced Sim to die if he hadn't given his life willingly."

"Did Sim tell you that?"

"No, he didn't. He tried to hide it. But y'know, I'm pretty good at readin' the expressions on his face."

Archer leaned forward in the chair. "I didn't have another choice, Trip. I need you for the mission. Enterprise needs her chief engineer. Without your ingenious technical mind we're doomed to fail."

"Sim has the same genius. He would've been able to carry on my work as chief engineer."

"No, he wouldn't. We never thought that he would live long enough. I allowed Phlox to create him only because we knew that he was supposed to have a 15 day lifespan. There was no way any of us could have known that he might have your memories."

"And that made it difficult to kill him, right?" Trip's tone grew testy. "You thought he would just be an imbecile heap of cells that would be easy to get rid of."

Archer flinched. "When I gave the order to create him we didn't know that the odds of surviving the transplantation were not in his favor."

"Ah, what a nice way to put it. You must've been scared to death when Phlox told you that he actually had survived."

"I'm glad that he did, Trip."

"Yeah, so you don't have to bother your conscience with another dead man." Trip looked at Jon, barely able to keep his anger at bay. "I can't believe that you would've dragged Sim to sickbay and would've forced him to undergo this operation. I'm really happy that Phlox could save me but you can't do that at the expense of another person's life. That's despicable. Sim may be a clone but he's not less valuable than you or I."

"Believe me, Trip, I'm not proud of it, but I would have done it. As I said, I need my chief engineer for this mission."

Trip couldn't stand facing the man whom he had considered his best friend any longer. He turned his back to him and stepped to the window, looking out.

"Trip." He heard the captain's pleading voice, but refused to look at him. His insides were cringing. He couldn't believe that Archer had become such an unfeeling man. He himself was eager to find the Xindi, but not like this. He still tried to follow his conscience. It earned him some trouble sometimes, but he never would stop acting human. Or at least what he considered to be human.

Suddenly an image appeared before his inner eye. He saw himself standing in this room and Archer looking out of this very window, turning his back on him, after his actions had caused the suicide of the cogenitor Charles. Trip had tried to explain his actions to his captain, had searched for the tiniest sign that his friend would at least try to understand what he had done, but Archer had only stared out the window, his shoulders hunched in disappointment. Trip had sworn to himself that he would never let his friends down that way, that he would always listen to their reasons and try to understand, even if he'd been disappointed by their actions. And now he was standing here, doing just the same thing Archer had done then.

With some effort, Trip turned around to face his captain. Archer acknowledged it with a grateful nod.

"Do you think this is easy for me, Trip?" he asked. "I watched Sim grow up. I learned a lot about you only by watching him and talking to him. We had a great time when he was a child and I appreciate what he did for Enterprise. No one could come up with such an idea but you. Or your clone." The corner of Archer's mouth twitched a little. "But I have to accomplish this mission. And for this I have to make sacrifices."

"You sacrificed your conscience, Jon."

"Maybe." Archer sighed. "I know that you don't agree with some of my decisions. Nor does Malcolm. I'll never forget the look on his face when I had to torture the Osariaan for information. But I had to do it, like I would have had to sacrifice Sim to get you back. I'm sorry but I would do it again if necessary. We have to save Earth. Earth, Trip! We're not on a simple mission of exploration. Earth's fate is at stake. What would you have done if you'd been in my place?"

"I don't know. Perhaps I would have at least tried to treat Sim with the enzyme that could guarantee him a normal life span."

"Phlox learned about the enzyme a little too late and wasn't sure whether it would have the desired effect, either. We couldn't take the risk."

"But Sim could have taken my place as your chief engineer. He would have done just as good a job."

"And if the enzyme had not worked, Trip, you both would have been dead. It was too risky."

Trip just nodded. He was running out of arguments. He didn't like it, but he was beginning to understand Archer's motives.

"May I ask you something, Trip?" the captain spoke up. "If it had been your decision, if we had been able to ask you, what would you have decided? Would you have been ready to die? Would you prefer to be dead instead of alive?"

Trip eyed his captain carefully. He didn't know the answer to this question. He did want to live but not at another man's expense. But could he really reproach Archer for exploiting all options to save his life? Things simply had gotten out of control. Perhaps he would have reacted the same way his captain did. And all the same, Sim was still alive. So it was all but hypothetical what they were talking about.

"I don't know, Jon," Trip said sadly, turning around to leave. "But I can see your point." When his hand already touched the panel to open the door, he hesitated. "D'you know what disappoints me most?" he asked, his gaze still on the closed door. "You always talk about the mission, about needin' your chief engineer back. What about me, Jon? You never said a word about having me back. I thought I was your friend. Did you care about me even for a second or only about the mission?"

When it remained silent behind him, Trip looked over his shoulder. Archer still sat at the table, the expression on his face more torn and tortured than Trip had ever seen. He didn't know what to do and thought about leaving his captain alone when Jon began to speak, so softly that Trip had to take a step closer to be able to hear him.

"When Phlox told me that you were in a coma with severe brain injuries I was beside myself with worry. I couldn't imagine completing my task without your help. I couldn't fulfill the mission without the best engineer Starfleet has to offer, but even more I couldn't fulfill it without my best friend to support me. I was so worried because of the mission, so afraid that we wouldn't find the Xindi and even more afraid to find them." Archer ran his hand through his hair, sighing deeply. "You've always been there when I needed you. You supported me, and you always tried to reassure me, even if you didn't agree with my decisions. You gave me the confidence I needed so much. I relied on you, I still do. But then the accident happened and Phlox told me that I was about to lose you. I couldn't let this happen, Trip, I just couldn't. But how could I tell Phlox, tell Starfleet that I agreed to create a clone only to keep my friend? That I'm a selfish bastard who can't stand the thought of losing the best friend he ever had? Starfleet would have never approved of it. I couldn't allow my feelings as a friend to interfere with my duties as a captain. It had to be for higher reasons, for the mission only. And so I kept telling everyone that I did it only for this purpose. To keep my chief engineer. To keep an officer who is crucial to the mission. And I kept saying this so often that I finally started to believe it myself."

Trip looked down at Archer who remained staring at the table, never raising his head. The confessions he had just heard made his heart clench. Archer had never spoken to him like this and the truth that the man still considered him his best friend and needed him so desperately touched him deeply. He could understand how difficult this particular decision had been for Jon who had to shove his personal feelings aside and had to act professionally, not like a friend, but like a captain with a difficult, if not impossible, mission. Suddenly he felt deep compassion at the sight of his friend. This man didn't need accusations, he needed comfort. Trip laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, Jon," he said gently. "I understand. I don't blame you anymore."

"But I blame myself. I can't forget what I have done."

"But you can live with it. Like you can live with all your decisions. That's why you are Captain of Enterprise and that's why I trust you to succeed in this mission."

"Thanks, Trip." Archer's voice sounded hoarse. Then, with an effort, he laid his hand over Trip's that was still resting on his shoulder.

Trip squeezed Archer's shoulder. "D'you know that Sim has all my memories of our friendship, Jon? That you are the same friend to him as you are to me? He remembers how we've met, all the things we did together, our missions, even our drinking bouts. He wants to be your friend the same as I do. Don't push him away, Jon. He doesn't deserve bein' treated like a stranger."

"It's not so easy, Trip. Don't think that I don't care for him. He's too much like you to not like him. But I can't look into his eyes again. You don't know about our argument. Don't know the things I've said to him."

"I can imagine. But as you said, Sim is too much like me. If I'm able to understand, he can, too. Just talk to him."

Archer sighed. "I'll try. Just give me some time."

Trip grinned. "You got yourself into quite a fix, Cap'n. You have to cope with two Trips now and that won't be easy. But you get two pretty good engineers in return."

Archer looked up at Trip and for the first time since they had begun to talk, he smiled.

TBC

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