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The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea- Chapter 16

Author - Sita Z
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The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

by Sita Z

Disclaimers in Chapter 1

****

Chapter 16

The next day, Trip was waiting at the airlock alone. Jon, of course, had offered to accompany him, but Trip realized that the Captain's presence would only make it harder for him to say what needed to be said. He declined, and Jon seemed to understand.

When Ah'Len stepped through the airlock, Trip saw that she, too, had chosen to come unaccompanied. Well, maybe that was just as well. What he had to say concerned S'Raan as well, but he could still talk to the other man. Now, however, he needed Ah'Len to listen closely to what he wanted to tell her, and not hide herself behind a mask of formality and all too clearly displayed regret. And maybe with no spectators present they would be able to talk rationally, on equal terms, without assuming the roles of either victim or culprit. At least he hoped so.

The airlock hissed shut, and Ah'Len drew herself up a little straighter, facing him and turning her palms upward.

"Good morning, Commander," she said. If she thought the Captain's absence to be unusual, she didn't let it show. Trip mirrored her gesture, careful to keep his voice and expression neutral as he spoke.

"Good mornin'. I'm glad you could make it." He gestured at the corridor. "I thought maybe we could go an' talk in my quarters. That'll be a little more comfortable than the conference room." Not to speak of the changed environment, which might also have an effect on the atmosphere of their conversation.

Ah'Len bowed her head in acknowledgement, following him as he started down the corridor. Her demeanor seemed a little more subdued than yesterday, but maybe it was the fact that he himself was feeling a lot calmer today. He didn't feel the need to appear cool or reserved, or show her in any other way what he thought of her actions. That had been yesterday. Today he had a job to do, and make sure he did it right. Make sure she listened to him, and understood what he had to tell her.

Ah'Len kept silent all the way to his quarters, but Trip realized she wasn't being arrogant or snubbing him by her silence. Maybe she was even feeling a little nervous, if her body language was any indication. He didn't try to initiate any conversation, feeling no need to exchange meaningless small talk with this woman.

When they had arrived at his quarters, he palmed the door panel to open the bulkhead, gesturing for her to enter first. She stepped into the room almost tentatively, as if she felt she was trespassing. Trip followed, the door sliding shut behind him.

"Please, sit down."

Ah'Len, whose eyes had been resting on the two cardboard boxes that stood against the wall next to the window, started slightly, and hesitated briefly before taking a seat. Trip sat down on his bunk, taking a deep breath before he began to talk.

"Well, as I said, I'm glad you could make it." He paused, wishing she'd relax a little instead of sitting ramrod straight on the very edge of her chair. Witnessing her obvious discomfort didn't make things easier for him. "I think we need to talk."

Ah'Len watched him, an inscrutable expression in her eyes. "I agree."

Now she sounded almost like T'Pol. God, why did this have to so hard? Trip cleared his throat. "Look, I'm sorry our... meetin' yesterday was such a disaster. Not that I didn't mean what I said, but I shouldn't have walked out on you."

He hadn't expected it, but she actually relaxed a little at that. "And I shouldn't have treated you in what was obviously perceived as a condescending manner. I'm sorry."

Trip certainly hadn't expected that. "It's okay," he said, still somewhat surprised at her apology. "I know now that you didn't mean to snub me."

"It was the last thing I had in mind," Ah'Len said. "I only felt it important to make you understand. Maybe I concentrated too hard on that. Maybe I should have listened to what you had to say instead."

"Maybe," Trip agreed, feeling no need to disagree out of politeness. Maybe this wasn't going to be so hard, after all. At least she was willing to listen to him. "Look, Ah'Len..." He hesitated. "I'm sure S'Raan told you about our discussion in sickbay after the meetin'." She acknowledged silently, and he continued. "I've been thinkin' 'bout what he said. Actually, I've been thinkin' 'bout it all night." He took a deep breath. The next part was going to be so hard. "S'Raan said you want to take Arh'Leen with you when you go back home."

She met his eyes evenly. "We would be more than happy to do so. But the decision is up to you."

Another surprise. He hadn't expected her to actually say that. And at the same time it made things even harder for him. If he said no, they wouldn't object. They wouldn't fight. They would simply go and never come back, just as they had done before.

Trip forced himself to continue, stop his train of thought before it took him somewhere he didn't want to go.

"It... wasn't easy for me to come to a decision. I mean..." How was he supposed to explain this? "These last weeks have been a rather weird experience. To put it mildly. You know human males don't usually get pregnant, and I'm not gonna lie to you and say it was easy. At first... at first I even considered havin' the child removed."

He expected her to react with shock and even anger, but she didn't. "I'm glad you decided against it," she said quietly, and Trip realized that, unlike her crewmates, Ah'Len didn't think removing a fetus was a crime beyond the range of imagination. If one was desperate enough, that was.

He continued. "Well, I guess you know the rest. When the doc told me that he had to remove her, after all, I told him no. I had no idea how it happened, but at some point I had decided that savin' her life was more important than savin' mine. Sounds rather heroic when you put it that way, but it didn't feel like that to me. At the time, it seemed the perfectly natural thing to do." He let out a small laugh.

"It is natural for men to feel protective of their unborn children," Ah'Len said. "There are also certain hormones that enforce the bond between father and child."

Trip shook his head. "I don't think you quite understand. There was nothin' "natural" 'bout the whole thing. Human men jus' don't get pregnant. It's never happened before. Dr.Phlox's been pestered for weeks by Starfleet doctors back on Earth callin' him to ask if they can have a look at the data." He didn't mention how he felt about becoming a medical miracle and no doubt the topic of countless scientific dissertations. "But that's not the point. The point is that I care about Arh'Leen. I don't want anythin' to happen to her, and I don't want to leave her."

"I see." Ah'Len tried to sound neutral, but failed miserably. She made as if to get up, but Trip held up a hand.

"Wait. Let me finish. As I said, I've been thinkin' 'bout it all night long, and eventually I realized that this isn't so much about what I want. It's about what's best for Arh'Leen." He swallowed, hard. "An' I think it's best for her to go with you. You're her people, an' she won't be an outsider on your world. She'll... she'll be able to live a normal life, without havin' to deal with people's prejudices every single day of her existence. I think she'll be happier that way."

Ah'Len sat perfectly still, her eyes very bright as she spoke. "So you're giving your consent?"

Trip nodded slowly. "Yes. But on one condition." She waited, and Trip raised his head, looking her straight in the eyes. "You have to promise me that you'll take good care of her. An' that means really care. I have no doubt S'Raan will do exactly that, but I want you to be there for her as well. Even if that means givin' up your job in the fleet permanently."

"I have already done that," Ah'Len said calmly. "And I have no intention of going back into space. It doesn't seem the ideal work place for me."

She didn't smile when she said it, but Trip sensed the dry irony behind her words. Despite himself, he felt the corners of his mouth twitch slightly.

"Maybe not. Anyway, I'm glad you say so." He paused. "I want to be perfectly honest with you. If it wasn't for S'Raan, I don't know if I'd be willin' to give her to you. You left her one time, and how do I now you're not goin' to do it again?"

Ah'Len seemed hurt by his words, but she gave no sharp reply. "I...I understand. But you have my word, Commander, that I'll do everything in my power to care for, and protect her. I won't leave her again."

"I hope so." And he did. He hoped with all his heart that Ah'Len really meant what she'd said. The Xyrillian woman got up.

"Commander," she said, "I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I can't tell you how much your decision means to us. And... I know it won't change anything, but I am sorry. I know how you must feel."

Trip nodded silently, and watched her leave, the door of his quarters sliding shut behind her with a soft hiss. No, he thought. You don't know a damn thing about how I feel.

###

Time went by very fast after that. In a way, Trip welcomed the rush; it didn't give him time to concentrate on any feelings which might have threatened to surface otherwise. With Phlox' help, he packed Arh'Leen's things into two big bags, adding the crew's collection of baby stuff. Hess and the others had stubbornly refused to take their gifts back, and seeing the hopeful expression on S'Raan's face at the sight of all those toys, clothes and blankets, Trip decided they might as well take them with them. They were Arh'Leen's things, after all.

Phlox spent half an hour briefing S'Raan on how to adjust the baby's diet to normal Xyrillian baby food once they got back, and the Xyrillian man dutifully noted everything down, carefully tucking the padd away together with the boxes of formula Phlox had given him for the way back to Thera.

Closing the second bag's zipper, Trip took one last look around the small IC unit. Strange, that it was only six days ago that he had woken up in here, hearing Hoshi tease Malcolm about holding a baby. It seemed months ago to him.

He picked up the carrycot Phlox had prepared, and set it down on the small table next to Arh'Leen's bed. It was little more than a padded basket with handles, but S'Raan had been pleased when he saw it, saying they could use it as a bed for Arh'Leen on their way back home.

Trip paused for a moment, looking down at the baby. She was awake, as usual around this time of the day, and seemed rather frisky, waving her arms about and crowing happily. He felt a lump build in his throat at the sight. Despite all his good intentions, despite telling himself over and over again that he was doing the right thing, it still hurt. It hurt like hell. The dry feeling in his throat became almost painful, and Trip swallowed hard, forcing himself to stop right there. He wasn't going to do this to himself. He wanted to say goodbye without falling to pieces, and he sure as hell didn't want to face Ah'Len with swollen, blood-shot eyes afterwards. No way.

"Hey, Arh'Leen," he said quietly, and the baby's head turned, her strange silvery eyes coming to rest on him. As a reflex, Trip smiled, blinking hard to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. He was not going to cry. Not now. "Hey there."

He picked her up, feeling the warmth that radiated from her small body as he held her against his chest. She was already dressed warmly, wrapped in a blanket for the journey to the other ship, and only her face was still visible, a small brown heart-shaped spot amidst the mass of white fabric. Trip carefully ran a finger across her cheek, taking odd comfort in the familiar tingling sensation.

"You take care," he whispered, continuing to stroke her cheek. "You take care, you hear me?"

The baby became very still under his touch, as if she sensed that something strange was going on. Trip swallowed, and continued.

"It's gonna be fun, you'll see. I've seen the place, it's beautiful. You'll like it. And they're gonna take good care of you. I know they will. So there's nothin' to worry about, y'hear me? Everything's gonna be fine..."

He couldn't go on, and raised a hand to wipe away the tears he hadn't been able to hold back, after all. And the hardest thing of all was still left to do. Trip gently stroked the baby's cheek once again and planted a light kiss on her forehead. Her skin felt warm and dry, so unlike human skin, and yet so familiar. One brief moment he paused to take another look at her, feel the warm weight of her body in his arms, and then, very gently, lowered her into her carrycot.

The baby squawked in protest at the sudden lack of physical contact, and Trip reached into the cot, touching her cheek to let her know he was there.

"It's okay," he whispered. "It's not for long. They'll get you out of there as soon as you're on their ship. Don't worry."

The door of the room opened, and Trip straightened up.

"Commander?" S'Raan took a few hesitant steps into the room. Meeting his eyes, Trip forced himself to smile, a brief casual smile meant to indicate that everything was perfectly fine. The Xyrillian studied him worriedly, and Trip knew there was no fooling the other man, but thankfully S'Raan did not comment on the fact that Trip had obviously been crying. "I didn't mean to disturb you."

"That's okay," Trip managed to say in nearly normal tone of voice. "I've jus' finished packin' her stuff."

"Thank you." Rather nervously, S'Raan threw a glance at the carrycot. "If... if you're done, then we'd..."

"Sure." Trip went to pick up the cot, but then stopped in his tracks, hesitated, and gestured at S'Raan to take it. The Xyrillian hesitated as well, and for a second their eyes met, sharing a moment of silent communication and understanding. Then S'Raan carefully closed his fingers around the carrycot's handles, gently lifting it off the table.

Ah'Len was waiting outside, standing next to Jon. Trip noticed that both she and the Captain were watching him rather nervously, and looked away, deliberately not meeting their eyes. He couldn't bear their pity on top of everything else.

"Let me take those bags," the Captain said quietly , and Trip silently handed them over. He knew Jon wanted to help, and why not let him?

The way to the turbo lift passed in silence. Jon kept throwing him concerned glances from the corner of his eye, but he didn't try to talk to him, something for which Trip was eternally grateful. He was fighting hard enough as it was to keep the last shreds of his self-control in place, and wasn't sure he would be able to hold it back if Jon tried to comfort him now.

This was harder, a lot harder than he had thought it would be. Trip knew he wasn't good at suppressing his emotions - he would make a lousy Vulcan, and T'Pol had told him so time and again - but this was tearing him apart.

He stared straight ahead, fixing the turbo lift's gray wall paneling, and told himself to get a grip, goddammit. He wasn't going to embarrass himself and his captain yet again. No, he wasn't going to think of the fact that he wouldn't see his child ever again - and she was his child, genetics be damned. She was his child, just as much as Ah'Len's. And he was going to bid her farewell in a quiet, dignified manner, as she deserved.

The turbo lift came to a halt, and the party silently left the small cabin, Trip being the first who stepped out the door. He felt the others' glances between his shoulderblades as if they were actually touching him, but didn't turn around.

As they approached the airlock, Trip felt as though time was racing past, events passing before his eyes too quickly for him to intervene. Jon nodded at the crewman standing guard to open the lock, and the bulkhead slid aside, revealing the narrow passage behind that ended in the Xyrillians' decompression chamber. Ah'Len turned to the Captain, taking from him the two bags with Arh'Leen's things.

"Thank you." She looked at Trip, and he drew himself up straighter, bracing himself.

"Commander..." She hesitated. "I..." Again, she trailed off, and Trip noticed with a start that her eyes were bright with tears. Of all things, he hadn't expected her to cry, and it threw him off balance enough to startle a reaction out of him.

"It's alright," Trip said, and to his surprise it came out quite steady. "It's alright, Ah'Len."

She held his gaze for another moment, then lowered her eyes. "Thank you," she said, so softly that only he was able to hear it. But Trip wasn't looking at her anymore. His attention had shifted to the cot in S'Raan's hand. Arh'Leen was still awake, but she had become very still, as though she was able to sense the tension around her. Crouching down next to her, Trip smiled, and found that he didn't even have to force it. Suddenly, he found himself feeling very calm.

"It's okay," he whispered, not caring if anyone heard him. "We won't be seein' each other for a while, but that's alright. I know you'll be just fine. There's nothin' to worry about, okay?" Her cheek felt warm under his touch, and Trip let his fingers linger on the bronze skin for a moment before pulling his hand back. "Goodbye, Arh'Leen."

Straightening up, Trip met S'Raan's eyes. Other than Ah'Len, the Xyrillian man seemed quite calm. He seemed to understand.

"Thank you, Commander," he said quietly, and Trip nodded, watching as the Captain bid the two Xyrillians farewell. Before they entered the airlock, S'Raan turned around one more time.

"I will keep in touch," he said, and his strange, bright eyes wrinkled in a smile. "You'll hear from us, Commander."

Again, Trip nodded, and watched as the bulkhead closed behind Ah'Len and her partner. It hissed as the lock sealed shut, and a moment later a green light lit up, indicating that the passage was closed.

"Dismissed, Crewman." Jon nodded at the guard who drew to attention, then quickly disappeared down the corridor.

Trip felt the Captain's hand coming to rest on his shoulder.

"Are you okay, Trip?" Jon asked quietly, and Trip managed to nod.

"I'm fine."

He turned around, slowly, and began to make his way down the corridor.

"Trip..."

He heard Jon's concerned voice behind him, and shook his head, hoping the Captain wouldn't follow him. He didn't. Trip kept walking, still wrapped up in that strange unnatural calm, and never turned around when a faint signal from the airlock indicated that the Xyrillian ship had left.


Continue to Chapter 17

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