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What Does Not Kill Us- Chapter 17

Author - Thalia Drogna
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What Does Not Kill Us

by Thalia Drogna

Rating: R
Genre: Action/Adventury, Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters, I’m just borrowing them

~~~

Chapter 17

Trip had eventually returned to working with his nanoprobe schematics. Even feeling miserable and betrayed he couldn’t resist a problem. He’d decided that he didn’t like the name nanoprobe for the machines that were now inhabiting his body so he’d re-christened them “nanites”. It sounded less intimidating. The machines had been helping him with redrawing the schematics, they seemed to carry their own internal blueprints that he was able to draw upon. He was learning a lot about how they worked.

The nanites sent him a message “energy reserves low”, they said, as usual one voice making itself heard above the din of data flying between the tiny machines. What had started out as quiet chatter had become louder as he had become more attuned to the nanites.

“Energy reserves low? What does that mean? You guys don’t even have a power source,” he thought back at them.

They replied “*your* energy reserves low. Your energy is our energy.”

“Oh, okay, I need to eat. That explains why you don’t need a power supply, you just take energy from me, my body’s electrical output.”

“Affirmative,” replied the nanites. He was beginning to feel hungry and he guessed that Phlox would be by shortly with medication and food.

Trip grabbed the chronometer on the desk to check the time, he only realised what he’d done after he turned the chronometer around to face him. The numbers on the readout remained lit. He tried again, holding the chronometer for a while, nothing happened. He smiled and then he laughed, if it hadn’t been for his broken foot he would have jumped up and down. He hobbled over to the door and pressed the button to open it. Reed was still standing outside, on guard, the perfect picture of a Star Fleet security officer.

“Trip, what are you doing?” he said starting at the sudden movement and reaching for his phase pistol.

“Malcolm, you got to see this,” said Trip.

“I can’t leave my post, Trip,” said Reed, relaxing slightly.

“Forget about your post, look at this,” and he waved the chronometer at Reed.

“It’s a chronometer,” said Reed, perplexed. “It’s still working,” he said realisation dawning.

“Damn right it is,” said Trip, smiling. “It worked. The reprogramming worked.”

Reed spotted Phlox approaching them from further down the corridor. The doctor was carrying a tray and had his medical case slung over his shoulder.

“Doctor,” said Reed. “It looks as if we might have a development with the nanoprobes.”

Once they had explained, Phlox had first of all insisted that Trip take the weight off his feet and then proceeded to give him a thorough scan. Finally he gave up scanning and handed Trip a padd he had brought with him. Trip held it and it didn’t break.

“Well, I think we can say that you’re cured, Commander,” said Phlox. “At least of this particular problem. The nanoprobes are still there of course, but they no longer appear to be affecting technology,” said Phlox.

“We must have found the right frequency, Doc. I knew it, I knew that they aren’t dangerous,” said Trip, happily.

“I don’t think you can say that with any certainty,” said Reed.

“I suppose you’re going to take the Captain’s side in this?” said Trip, annoyed. “Just lock away anything that you don’t understand.” To be honest it wasn’t that he was being guarded which had annoyed him so much it was that Archer didn’t trust him which had really made him angry. Not only was he the Chief Engineer of Enterprise which should have at least earned him some trust but he had been Archer’s friend ever since they had met on the NX project. He just didn’t understand how Archer could throw away that friendship so easily.

“He has the safety of Enterprise to consider, and so do I,” said Reed.

“You don’t have to talk to me about the safety of Enterprise, I’ve still got the scars,” Trip spat.

“And maybe that’s the problem,” said Reed. “We’ve all been tiptoeing around you not wanting to mention what you went through to protect Enterprise, wrapping you up in cotton-wool. You’ve forgotten what it means to be a Star Fleet officer. You’re behaving like a spoilt child. The Captain doesn’t have a choice, he has to do this.” Trip just stared at Reed as if he’d been slapped in the face. It had hurt Reed to say what he had, but in his opinion it needed to be said.

“Malcolm…” began Trip.

“I don’t want to hear it,” said Reed, “if you’ll excuse me Commander then I should return to my post.” With that final remark, Reed left.

Trip was left feeling as if he’d just been told off by his mother. “I guess I deserved that,” he said to Phlox.

“It’s not my place to comment,” replied Phlox. “However, perhaps you have been letting your emotions cloud your judgement. Not really unexpected in your current mental state.”

“I just don’t know how to deal with any of this, Doc,” said Trip. “I’ve always been pretty good at coping with things but I just don’t think that I can deal with all this. I mean I’ve tried to sort through it, I’m damned if the bastards are going to win, but it just isn’t working. And now I’m driving away everyone I care about.”

“As we have discussed before, dealing with your experience won’t happen over night. And I don’t think you’ve driven away anyone yet,” said Phlox. “Your friends know how hard it is for you at the moment. I know the Captain wrestled with his decision to post a guard, and there is a reason why Lieutenant Reed decided to take the first watch, but they do have to consider the other 82 people on this ship. I know T’Pol suggested that we post a guard on you some weeks ago, but the Captain refused. The fact that the nanoprobes are now talking to you has rather forced his hand in this matter.”

“The nanites aren’t dangerous,” said Trip.

“Then perhaps you should prove that to them,” replied Phlox. “After their destruction of technology, I’m sure you can see why the Captain would be worried. He also has no guarantee that they aren’t influencing you now. He fervently hopes that they aren’t but he can’t be sure.”

“I guess I owe him an apology. I said some pretty mean things and, knowing the Captain, he probably took them all to heart,” said Trip.

“I’m sure the Captain would appreciate it if you were to talk to him. Anyway, perhaps you should eat your lunch before it gets cold,” said Phlox, uncovering the plate of pasta that was on the tray he had brought.

“Yeah, now I’ve got the nanites making sure I eat as well. They sent me a message “energy levels low”, meaning time to eat.”

“Well hopefully you will listen to them more than you listen to me,” replied Phlox. “I also have your medication, so if you wouldn’t mind commander.”

Trip leant his head to one side so that Phlox could administer the hyposprays. “Maybe I should talk to Malcolm as well,” said Trip.

“That might be wise, but I suggest you eat first,” said Phlox.

“Okay, okay,” said Trip and picked up the fork from beside the plate. “At least this should make the nanites happy.”

****

Archer had been surprised when Trip called him to come down to his quarters and haltingly apologised. He wasn’t sure what had surprised him the most, the fact that Trip had worked out how to reprogram the nanoprobes so that they didn’t destroy technology anymore or the fact that Trip was apologising. He hadn’t expected Trip to cool down any time soon. Trip had gone on to explain that he really didn’t think that the “nanites”, as he’d started calling them, were going to cause any trouble. But he respected the Captain’s decision and why he had to do it.

“I’m going to prove to you that they’re harmless, though,” said Trip.

“Nothing would make me happier, Trip, but we have to be careful. I mean this isn’t a warp engine, we know almost nothing about how they work.” It worried Archer that Trip was starting to see these nanites as something they weren’t. The fact that he’d decided to rename them suggested that he was thinking of them as harmless and Archer certainly wasn’t sure that they were.

“Yeah, but I’m making progress,” said Trip. “I mean the data Hoshi and I collected will help a lot. She’s done a real good job of working out what all the frequencies do. The nanites are being helpful with their schematics as well. I’ve nearly got them figured.”

“You might not be able to trust the nanites, Trip. Just remember that,” said Archer.

“I remember how they got there, Captain. But if I can turn this into something that can help us, I have to try to do it. I have to try to get something positive out of what the Xindi did to me,” said Trip.

“Those nanites almost killed you once, I don’t want it to happen again,” said Archer.

“It won’t,” said Trip. “I’ll be careful.”

“We’re only a couple of days away from the Xindi outpost that the ship we found you on was aiming for. We reckon that we might be able to find some clues as to where we can find the Xindi weapon but maybe we can find something to help us with the nanoprobes as well,” said Archer. He didn’t mention that he also wanted to know why the Xindi had tried to re-capture Trip, he was still hoping that the Engineer never need find out about the second kidnapping attempt.

“Anything that you can give me would help. They don’t seem to want to give much away about themselves apart from their schematics. I’ve tried asking them why they were built but I just get the binary equivalent of “we don’t understand” and maybe they don’t understand. I could be asking them their equivalent of “is there a god” or they could just not want to tell me,” said Trip and sighed. “How’s Hess doing down in Engineering? I hear they had a few repairs to do down there.”

Archer looked at Trip as if to gauge whether he really was ready to talk about Engineering before replying. “Hess has everything under control, she’s done pretty well while you’ve been away.”

“Do you think you could ask her to send me the daily reports? Now I’m feeling a bit better, I’d like to know what’s going on in my own department.”

“Are you sure that you’re ready for that?” asked Archer.

“Phlox has scheduled regular therapy sessions if that’s what you’re worried about,” said Trip.

“No, I just know that even thinking about Engineering has been a problem for you and I don’t want you rushing into something that you’re not ready for. Not to mention all the new problems that these nanoprobes have caused,” replied Archer.

“I know I couldn’t go back to work yet even if I wanted to, nanites and broken limbs being a problem an’ all, but I think it’s time I faced another one of those demons that Malcolm was talking about. Just ask Hess to send them to my terminal, will you?”

“Sure, Trip, no problem,” replied Archer.

****


Trip screamed. He screamed until he couldn’t breathe and then he took a deep breath and screamed again. His throat hurt and he had to stop despite the fact that he desperately felt he needed to scream more. It was his arm. They’d broken it and now they were twisting it, he could feel the bone grinding against bone. His first thought when they’d broken it had been, bastards, that’s my dominant arm you’ve just broken, but that thought was quickly replaced by the pain and the need to scream. God, it hurt and he was doing his best to concentrate on ignoring the pain and the constant questions, but he had to scream. Answering the questions wouldn’t make the pain stop, he’d persuaded himself to believe that despite what they told him. It didn’t make the pain any less excruciating though.

Then someone was shaking him, someone was saying his name. Someone who wasn’t Xindi, someone whose voice he recognised.

“Trip!” said the familiar voice. “Trip!” And suddenly the scene around him faded and he realised he was back on Enterprise. He was shaking badly and drenched in sweat. He hadn’t had a nightmare this bad for a couple of weeks. His arm still hurt from the memory of the pain and he was waiting for the Xindi to start hurting him again.

“Trip, you’re okay,” said the voice and Trip opened his eyes to see the face of a concerned looking Malcolm Reed. “You’re safe, you’re on Enterprise.” His grey eyes were clouded with worry and he had a hand on Trip’s shoulder. Trip screwed his eyes tight shut and did his best to remind himself that he was on Enterprise. He was still shaking and he couldn’t make it stop.

Reed knew the drill. Wake Trip out of the dream and then provide comfort until he either calmed down or went back to sleep. Sometimes that calm or sleep had to come artificially from Phlox’s hypospray but the important thing was to be there and talk calmly until help arrived.

“Where did you come from?” asked Trip in a shaking voice. Phlox had declared a while ago that Trip no longer needed constant supervision and he couldn’t work out what Reed was doing here. “Not that I’m not pleased to see you,” he added.

“I was just talking to Ensign Scott who’s on guard duty when I heard you shouting and thought I’d better come and check on you. It was a bad one tonight?” asked Reed. It had been so bad that Reed was pretty sure Phlox would be by shortly to check on his patient. The bio-monitors were still in place and linked to sick bay so Phlox would have known immediately that Trip was in the grips of a particularly bad nightmare. A quick look told Reed that Trip’s heart and pulse were faster than they should have been.

“Yeah, it was,” said Trip. His eyes began to tear and he desperately tried to wipe them away before Malcolm saw them. He couldn’t stop them though.

“Hey, it’s okay,” said Reed, recognising the attempt to hide the tears. “You want to tell me about it?”

Trip still shook violently, but tried to get out some words, stammering, “m-m-my arm, my arm, they broke it. It’s my right arm, I need it, why couldn’t it have been the left…” He sobbed quietly.

“Phlox fixed your arm, it’s going to be fine,” said Reed, gently. “You’re going to be fine.”

“Yeah, I know, tell that to my subconscious,” Trip said, “my arm hurts.” It was obvious to Reed that Trip was in pain, even if that pain was in his subconscious. Trip pulled the broken arm across his chest and grimaced at the memory of pain. He also remembered doing exactly the same thing lying in a cell on the Xindi ship. Then the pain had been real and with no sign it was going to stop soon.

Phlox arrived. He nodded at Reed and quickly checked the readings on the bio-monitors.

“A particularly bad one tonight, Commander?” asked the doctor.

Trip nodded and stammered, but eventually explained to Phlox the content of the dream. “My arm still hurts,” he finished. Phlox prepared a hypospray.

“This is a light sedative and analgesic,” said Phlox. “It should send you off to sleep again and help with the pain from your arm. It’s purely psychological, your broken arm is still healing nicely and shouldn’t be causing you any trouble at the moment, however I’m sure the pain is quite real to you.”

“It sure is,” said Trip and let the doctor administer the hypospray.

“If you wouldn’t mind, Lieutenant, perhaps you could stay with the Commander while he falls asleep?”

“You don’t need to stay, Malcolm,” said Trip, the shaking was subsiding and he seemed more in control now.

“I don’t mind,” said Reed.

“Very well, call me if you need anything further,” said Phlox and left.

“I thought you weren’t having such bad nightmares anymore?” asked Reed and then something dawned on him. “Oh bloody hell, this is my fault, it’s because I shouted at you yesterday.”

“No, Malcolm,” said Trip as quickly as he could. “I needed you to say those things. Someone had to, I was just about ready to wallow in my own self pity for good. It wasn’t you. It was probably the Engineering reports, I asked Hess to start sending them to my terminal again. I guess it just brought back some bad memories. I suppose that was one demon I’m not ready to face yet.”

“I believe I told you that facing them all at once was a bad plan,” said Reed.

“Yeah, but what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger,” said Trip, “or at least that’s what I thought this afternoon when I started reading the reports. I was hoping that even though it brought back some bad memories it might help me feel like things were getting back to normal.”

“Ah that favourite quote from Nietzsche, a misguided philosophy if ever there was one,” said Reed. In his experience, if it didn’t kill you then it usually left scars. “Although he had some interesting stuff to say about a few other topics.”

“Trust you to be interested in dull German philosophers,” said Trip, his words sounding more tired.

“Actually I always preferred dull Greek philosophers. Couldn’t be bothered with the French, all that existentialism, do we exist or don’t we, it all seemed bloody obvious to me,” said Reed.

“Never really read much stuff like that, always had my nose buried in some engineering manual,” replied Trip, his words slurring and his eyes blinking heavily.

“Maybe I should lend you some of my Nietzsche, at least if you’re going to quote him at me you should know the context,” said Malcolm.

“Thanks but I think I’ll give it a miss,” said Trip. “I’ll settle for quoting him inappropriately.” Trip closed his eyes, the drug Phlox had given him taking effect. Reed waited until he was sure that he was asleep before he left the Commander’s quarters.

“Everything okay, sir?” asked Ensign Scott.

“Yes, Ensign,” replied Reed, although, he reflected, okay was a relative term in this particular instance. “How’s Hooper doing?” He knew Scott was friends with Hooper, it was one of the things that made them such a good team. He hadn’t had time to visit his wounded officer for a few days now.

“She’s good, sir. Doctor says she should be back on her feet in a couple of days, but might be a week before she’s back on duty. Clare’s going mad with boredom in Sick Bay.”

Reed had to remind himself that Clare was Ensign Hooper’s first name. “I can imagine,” he said, and he could, he’d spent enough nights in Sick Bay to know exactly how dull it could be. He wished Ensign Scott goodnight and then headed for the gym, he had some anger to take out on a punching bag. He was going to make the Xindi pay for everything, for hurting Trip so badly that he still had nightmares months later, for hurting Ensign Hooper, for all the casualties they had taken since entering the Expanse and for turning all of them into different people.


Continue to Chapter 18

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