Parody

Parody

by Trinneergirl

Rating: PG-13
Setting: Enterprise, of sorts. out of Time, no Expanse!
Archive: Sure, just tell me.
Feedback: If you want to, yes please Trinneergirl@aol.com
Disclaimer: I make nothing but words. I own nothing but my own imagination.

Many thanks to the lovely Lisa from Seattle for the beta.

Summary: Something cooked up to show what a parody of Ent could be. Written Oct 2002....

PARODY

Cast:
Captain Earnest Anhansom - Archer
Sub-Commander Indifferent - T'Pol
Commander Randy Legover - Trip
Lieutenant Hans Hardon - Reed
Ensign Temp Secretary-Receptionist - Hoshi
Helmsman Nameless - Mayweather
Doctor Sloshed - Phlox

PARODY

Captain Earnest Anhansom: "Polarise the hull plat…"

He's stopped by a loud bang.

Lieutenant Ivor Hardon: "Sorry, sir. Hull plating's down."

Ensign Temp Secretary-Receptionist: "Has anybody thought that a shorter order for the hull plating thing would mean getting it up and running BEFORE we get shot?"

Commander Randy Legover: "Nope. Cause what with paintin' the confederate flag on the roof and outsmartin' Sherrif Coltraine once agin', I kinda never got around to puttin' that there hull platin' in."

Captain Anhansom (irate): "That's it, Commander Legover. No sex for you for a season and a half."

Commander Legover: "Dang!"

Helmsman Nameless: "Shields. If we said shields it would be quicker."

Captain Anhansom: "Weapons?"

Lieutenant Hardon: "Phase cannons, torpedoes... and we seem to have a pair of cattle horns tied to the deflector dish, sir."

Commander Legover: "Yuk! Yuk!"

Captain Anhansom: "Two seasons without sex, Randy."

Commander Legover: "Double dang!"

Sub-Commander Indifferent: "It wouldn't bother me. I only have to have sex once every seven years."

Commander Legover: "Well, it dang bothers me some, little lady! We've only bin out here a month and most of our boots are already made from the tissues I’ve used up!"

(pause while everyone looks at their boots with expressions of distaste).

Helmsman Nameless: "Nobody even heard what I said, did you?"

Captain Anhansom: "You did use the bio-matter resequencer, Randy?"

Commander Legover: "What bio-matter resequencer, sir?"

(Everybody except Randy and the Vulvan, sorry, Vulcan goes EWWWWW!!!!!)

Captain Anhansom: "When we get out of this situation, Sub-Commander, I want you to find the Commander a Princess to shag. And fast."

Sub-Commander Indifferent: "Yes, Captain."

Commander Legover: "Shucks Cap'n. Thanks!"

Helmsman Nameless: "Hello? Anyone?"

Lieutenant Hardon: "They're targeting our warp core, sir."

Commander Legover: "Great! Ensign, can ya call 'em and ask 'em where it is? I just can't find the dang thing!"

Captain Anhansom (spluttering): "What do you mean, 'can't find' it? It's the big cylindrical thing in Engineering!"

Commander Legover (shocked): "It is? I thought that was the tumble-dryer! I've bin puttin' my laundry in it!"

(The Captain closes his eyes in anguish)

Captain Anhansom: "You've been putting laundry.... into the warp core?"

Commander Legover (down and embarrassed): "Yeah. Sorry. (Brighter) It does git your socks nice 'n' dry!"

The cube-shaped ship on the viewing screen seems to loom menacingly closer as Helmsman Nameless plays with the zoom, bored.

Ensign Secretary-Receptionist: "We're being hailed, sir! Audio only."

Captain Anhansom: "Put 'em through, Temp."

A voice, deep, monotone, and as if a thousand voices are speaking at once comes through from the alien ship.

Unnamed Aliens: "We are the B... A race of aliens whom you haven't met yet. So we won't tell you our name."

Commander Legover: "Why does that keep happenin'?"

Captain Anhansom: "I am Captain Earnest Anhansom of the Starfleet vessel Enterprise."

The B...: "Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is useless."

Commander Legover: "What are ya' talkin' about? Resistance in't useless. It's one of the forces that deefines everthang from the eelectrical impulses in a conductor t' the gravity that holds the universe t'gether! It's one of the bindin' forces of science. That every action has an equal 'n' opposite reaction is one o' the fundament'l laws a'physics. Resistance is useless my ass!"

Everyone stares at Randy in surprise. He notices and looks defensive.

Commander Legover: "What? I'm not gonna be an idiot the whole goddang show!"

Helmsman Nameless: "Why not? You usually are." (He's starting to enjoy his can't be seen, can't be heard status.)

A bright red laser light moves from one side of the Bridge to the other accompanied by a high pitched squeal that makes them all cover their ears.

Sub-Commander Indifferent (shouting): "We're all being probed!"

Commander Legover (muttering): "In your dreams, Ice Queen."

Sub-Commander Indifferent(still shouting): "What?"

Commander Legover (shouting too): "I said, it's some kind of tri-axialatin' frequency intense carrier beam."

Sub-Commander Indifferent (she can shout, can't she?): "Oh!"

The beam dies away, but the high pitched squeal goes on. After a moment they all realise it's coming from Ensign Secretary-Receptionist. Noticing their stare, she stops.

Ensign Secretary-Receptionist: "Sorry."

The Captain motions her to cut off the signal and she does.

Captain Anhansom (To the Lieutenant): "Can we target their warp core?"

Lieutenant Hardon: "I can't say, sir."

Captain Anhansom: "Too heavily shielded?"

Lieutenant Hardon: "No, sir. My targeting scanner has just been replaced by footage of a naked blonde lady, waving a Stetson and riding an artificial rodeo bull."

Everyone looks at Randy.

Commander Legover: "Oh, for dang's sake! It's a screensaver!"

Helmsman Nameless: "From dumbass hillbilly, to dumbass hillbilly, in just three minutes. A new record!"

Commander Legover: "All you gotta do is touch her tits, Lootenant!"

Helmsman Nameless: "A day of first contacts indeed!"

The Lieutenant gathers his courage, reaches out, closes his eyes and touches the screen. He opens his eyes again.

Lieutenant Hardon: "Too heavily shielded."

Commander Legover (confused): "Her tits?"

Lieutenant Hardon (through gritted teeth): "No. The alien warp core."

Commander Randy Legover: "Oh."

The Captain faces Commander Legover.

Captain Anhansom: "Commander. Tell me again. Why are you here on MY ship?"

Commander Legover: "I've slept with all the pretty girls on Earth, Cap'n."

Captain Anhansom accepts the explanation.

With a shimmer a B... appears on the Bridge.

The B...: "Prepare to be assimilated."

Captain Anhansom: "We'll fight you."

The B...: "Resistance is usel…"

Commander Legover: "Ahem?"

The B...: "...Futile."

The Commander makes a discovery.

Commander Legover: "Well now, lookie here! You're a *lady* alien!"

The female B... turns towards him.

Commander Legover: "Ya have a name, little lady?"

The B...: "Names are irrelevant. My designation is two of five."

The Commander moves closer to the B... as Captain Anhansom, Lieutenant Hardon and Helmsman Nameless all look on in boredom, knowing what's coming next.

Commander Legover (charmingly): "Two, that's kinda pretty."

He moves even closer until he's looking down into her eye.

Commander Legover (lustfully): "Hi! I'm Randy."

Two seconds later the female B... is getting deeply kissed and enjoying it. The other men hide their jealousy with feigned distaste.

Lieutenant Hardon: "How does he do that?"

Helmsman Nameless: "Every time?"

Captain Anhansom: "It just can't be natural!"

Sub-Commander Indifferent and Ensign Secretary-Receptionist (in unison): "It seems natural at the time."

All the men, except for the Commander, who's still enjoying his first taste of B... tonsils, looks in shock at the two female officers.
They notice.

Sub-Commander Indifferent: "My research seems to indicate."

Ensign Secretary Receptionist: "I've been told!"

Both women become fixated on their consoles to avoid the scrutiny. The men shake their heads in bewilderment.

The Commander eventually comes up for air. The B... is dazed.

Commander Legover (innocently): "Now, you and ya friends don' wanna assim'late little ol' us, do ya?"

The B...(breathless): "Size is an elephant. Resistors are febrile. Er, Sighs are irrelevant, SIZE is irrelvant!"

Commander Legover: "How 'bout you and I go back to ya nice cubic ship and I c'n prove to ya that size 'in't irrelevant? Huh?"

He looks across to Captain Anhansom.

Commander Randy Legover: "With your permission, Cap'n?"

Captain Anhansom: "Be careful Commander."

Commander Legover (confidently): "I'm always careful, sir. Got m' little packet a' rubber raincoats in m' uniform pocket."

Captain Anhansom: "That's not what I meant, Comm..."

The Captain sits down in his chair and covers his eyes in tired defeat.

Captain Anhansom: "Go. Just go."

The B...: "I am a board. You will be ravished. Persistence is useful."

Commander Legover: "You said it, little lady. Let's go."

With a shimmer the Commander and The B... disappear. A voice, deep, monotone and as if a thousand voices are speaking at once comes through from the alien ship. Again.

The B...: "Randy. Oh Randy. You are so big. Give it to me big boy. Harder. Yes. Yes."

Captain Anhansom listen on and on as the sex continues.

Captain Anhansom (bored): "Can you shut that off, Temp?"

There's no response and he looks across to where she sits lost in memories.

Captain Anhansom: "Ensign?"

Blinking back to reality Ensign Secretary Receptionist obeys and the voice ceases.

Ensign Secretary Receptionist: "Sorry, sir!"
They wait, and wait, and wait.

Lieutenant Hardon: "How long is this going to take?"

Sub-Commander Indifferent and Ensign Secretary-Receptionist (in unison): "About twenty-two minutes."

The man stare at them again. Again they notice.

Sub-Commander Indifferent: "Research indicates."

Ensign Secretary-Receptionist (smiling): "Sometimes longer."

Lieutenant Hardon: "She's got one eye and a toolbox for an arm!"

Helmsman Nameless: "There's simply no stoppin' the man."

Sub-Commander Indifferent: "Captain, something's happening on the alien vessel."

Captain Anhansom: "Yes, Sub-Commander, we know."

Sub Commander Indifferent: "No, sir. Something else. Sensors have come back on line and there appears to be an electrical charge building on the alien ship."

Captain Anhansom presses a communications panel, briefly gets a radio station playing Wham's Club Tropicana, then hits the right button.

Captain Anhansom: "Captain to Doctor Sloshed."

Doctor Sloshed (voice): "Hello, Captain!"

Captain Anhansom: "Doctor, to the Bridge."

Doctor Sloshed (just his voice): "Indeed! To the Bridge! Bottoms up!"

Lieutenant Hardon: "Bottoms up?"

Helmsman Nameless: "It is on *his* head."

Captain Anhansom: "Is he drunk again?"

Doctor Sloshed (from the com): "Of coursh! Do you think I'd shet foot on thish rushty tub shober?"

Captain Anhansom: "Doctor we have a situation."

Doctor Sloshed (he's not on the Bridge with them, gettit?): "Then deal with it."

The Doctor then launches into a spirited rendition of the Sailors Hornpipe.

Captain Anhansom: "Thank you, Doctor. Lieutenant, close the communication."

Lieutenant Hardon: "Do I have to, sir?"

The Captain nods. The Lieutenant slumps in humiliation. He reaches for the comm.

Lieutenant Hardon(through gritted teeth): "Yes, sir. (to the comm) Hardon out."

Everyone else collapses in laughter except for the Vulvan, oops, Vulcan).

Lieutenant Hardon (muttering): "That is so degrading."

As the sniggering dies away a disheveled-looking Commander Randy Legover rebeams back onto the Bridge.

Commander Legover: "Whoooeee! That little lady did things with her mechanical arm that dang near drove m' crazy!"

Sub-Commander Indifferent: "There is still a build up of electrical energy in the alien vessel."

Commander Legover: "That'ud be me, sir."

Captain Anhansom: "Commander?"

Commander Legover: "The aliens, sir. They're conjoined, like a collective of minds and experiences. Once I gave that mechanised hell-vixen a good time the whole lot of them shared in it."

Sub-Commander Indifferent: "Sensors show twenty-thousand beings on that vessel."

Commander Legover: "So what? Nobody ever said Randy Legover can't bring 'em on and keep 'em happy!"

The Captain intervenes.

Captain Anhanson: "How does your baffling success with women link to the electrical build up?"

Commander Legover: "Well, y'see sir, that's the good part. I could see that they're not only linked together, but bein' part-mechanised themsleves, they're linked to the ship's systems. So the collective multiple orgasm is goin' t' overload their warp core."

Captain Anhanson: "Helmsman. Get us to a safe distance."

Helmsman Nameless: "Yes sir. (muttering) NOW, I'm here, huh? Now I'm needed."

The ship goes to warp and in the rear view, transmitted to the view screen on the Bridge, they can watch as the B... ship explodes into a billion pieces.

Commander Legover: "Now that's what I call a sexual explosion!"

Captain Anhansom (chiding): "Commander, there were twenty-thousand beings on that ship."

Commander Legover (unabashed): "Yes, Cap'n. An' they all died happy!"

Ensign Secretary Receptionist: "Sir, there's a distress signal coming in."

Sub-Commander Indifferent: "A single ship, sir. It has a Risan configuration."

Captain Anhansom: "Temp, put it through."

On the view screen appears a bridge with a dozen women, all dressed in pastel-coloured silk and netting mini-dresses, blondes, brunettes, redheads. All beautiful and all under thirty.

1st Bimbo. "Hi!"

Captain Anhansom: "Hello. I'm Captain Earnest Anhansom of the Starfleet vessel, Enterprise. We got your distress signal. How can we help?"

1st Bimbo: "Well, we're just traveling back to Risa after spending several months entertaining the troops over on the Mizellian border. Now we're on our long journey back. You're the first men, uh, people we've seen in months! We seem to be having terrible problems with our engines."

Commander Legover: "What kinda problems ladies?"

One look at Commander Legover and the Risan good-time girls nearly faint with longing.

1st Bimbo: "Who are you?"

Commander Legover: "I'm Commander Legover, Ma'am. Chief Engineer. But you can call me Randy."

2nd Bimbo (whispered): "Randy!"

1st Bimbo: "We have lots of problems with our engines, Captain. I hate to inconvenience you, but can we borrow Randy for a few days?"
Captain Anhansom, (fatalistically): "Sure, why not?"

Commander Legover looks like the cat that got the cream as the communication ends.

Commander Legover: "Thanks, Cap'n!"

Captain Anhansom: "Just fix their engines and return, Randy. Understood?"

The Commander moves toward the turbolift.

Commander Legover: "Yessir! I expect those lovely ladies jus' wan' their manifolds purged and their plugs cleaned!"

Captain Anhansom (giving up the fight): "Okay. Then just fix their engines and return."

The last thing seen, Cheshire Cat-like, is Randy Legover's huge grin as the turbolift doors close.

Captain Anhansom (in despair): "Oh God!"

The End...?

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Four of you have made comments

That was absolutely brilliant!!, I havnt laughed so much in ages. I dont think I will be able to stop grinning all day.!

That was really funny, my boys are sitting here wondering why I am laughing all over the couch.

um, the ppl in the other rm think i;m mad, all they can hear is laughter,,,, um.

Loveed it, hilarious

This was so funny! Thanks for such a great parody!