-= ENT Limericks -- Seasons One & Two =-

We know how you feel about limericks, but these are simply too good to miss. One (or more) for each episode of the season. Try not to laugh, we dare you! If you feel compelled to write your own, go to the TrekBBS Enterprise Forum and share your talents in the Limerick Thread, now several months old and rarely off of page one.

** A printed version of these limericks was presented to several ENT cast members at the Vegas Con by bandybones! Hooray! **

by A4T, bandybones, blingawa, emily reich, evay, gort, Imzadi13, Miss Thang, Moiner, NAHTMMM, PhantomoftheNet, Ptrope, T'Bonz, T'Dax, The Tone, vmf77, where'sSaavik, wombat61 and wychwood


Broken Bow

To his home we gave Klaang a ride.
The Vulcans were acting quite snide.
Up popped Suliban
Trip stripped for decon
And T'Pols look could only deride.

They tracked the slick Suliban ship.
Future Guy made Silik just *flip*.
On the helix time slowed
Silik sneered and he crowed
And Archer yelled, "Beam me up, Trip!"
Fight or Flight
Hoshi had a strange dyyyyyin' worm
With fear, that poor Hoshi did squirm
But a pep talk Trip gave
And the starship-turned-grave
Found a home for the aged and infirm.
Strange New World
The camping trip started out well,
Then dissolved into psycho-ward hell.
Trip succumbed to the pollen
But T'Pol just kept stallin'
And 'Novak' screamed "Leaves?? What the frell!"
Trip got knocked up by Ah'Len
Though he'd been a complete gentleman.
Craved ice cream and pickles
Felt intercostal tickles,
"An' I start my Lamaze classes, when?"
Terra Nova
Trip appeared just a bit in this snoozer
(Recycled, real boring, a loser)
A whole bunch of shale
Them folks did inhale
I blame the crashed space ship cruiser
The Andorian Incident
P'Jem stood mysterious and silent
To explore, Cap'n, Trip, and T'Pol went.
But Shran was suspicious
The monks meretricious
And the listening post's last signal was sent.
Breaking the Ice
While the comet was given a snowman,
Trip's snooping made the s*** hit T'Pol's fan
Archer griped at surveillance;
T'Pol took an "I'll stay" stance
After Trip coaxed her with his pie, pecan.
An apothecary named Riann
Pretty soon took a liking to Jon.
But she glowed in the dark
And Cap'n's first lark
Lasted one kiss before he was gone.
Fortunate Son
A ship full of boomers (like Mayweather)
Had a Nausicaan pirate on tether.
Archer: "Please be humane."
Boomers: "His pain, our gain!"
"Now get in this cargo box together."
The ENT crew was then dumped into space
While the Nausicaans boomers did chase.
Travis talked them around
With his wisdom most sound.
Travis talks! What a great change of pace!
Cold Front
They all came to see the Great Plume
Silik's sabotage prevented doom
But when duty calls
Daniels walks through the walls
Unfortunately, he later went FOOM.
Silent Enemy
An alien ship, most silent
Turned out to be rather malevolent
But with Reed and Trip's science
and the Captain's defiance
Earth's response to the bugs was quite violent
We've been scanned! Who did it? And why?
Reed's folks made us all want to cry.
Trip and Mal fixed the guns,
Scared off the silent ones,
Then had pineapple cake on the sly.
Dear Doctor
Dr Phlox enjoys keeping in touch
With his IME colleagues and such
But which was the subtler?
Valakians or Cutler?
He chose the Menk, liking them much.
Sleeping Dogs
There was a Klingon named Bu'kaH
Who demanded to be released DaH!
While T'Pol, Hosh and Mal
Tried to keep up morale
Trip said, "Cap'n, qaH, Qah ghaH jaH." (go help her down)
Shadows of P'Jem
Trip said, "Gee, T'Pol, we'll sure miss ya!"
"Me too - and I still haven't kissed ya!"
But then rescuers blue
Sent communicator stew,
Saying, "This is payback 'cause we pissed ya!"
Shuttlepod One
"Do not make OMT cranky!"
(Mal sniffled a bit in his hanky.)
They used 'tato mash
To seal up the gash
And then huddled under a blankie.
Trip and Mal thought ENT was dust.
Malcolm said his farewells, but Trip just
Popped a fifth of good whiskey
They didn't get frisky
Instead our boys learned about trust.
They met new Vulcans, wild and crazy,
Impulsive, obnoxious, and lazy.
T'Pol played mind nookie
With Tolaris - tough cookie!
Trip danced for Kov like Patrick Swayze.
Rogue Planet
The Eskans were hot on the trail
of a Drayjin wraith (their "holy grail")
Archer's fantasy date's
face (From poems by Yeats)
In real life looked more like a snail.
Trip wandered in his tighty-blues
While the rest of the crew had a snooze
'Til Archer's bold plan
Scammed the big-lobed clan
And Krem's offer T'Pol did refuse.
The Kantare were not what they seemed;
Through their heads too much light gleamed.
They nabbed Trip for repairs
But alien babe affairs
Occupied him until he ice creamed!
Arch and Travis were nabbed with precision
Subject'd to Tandaran derision,
When up popped good bud Al
(Didn't know his old pal)
'Suliban' ain't the Mal *I'd* envision!
Vox Sola
The Snot Monster's got five poor souls.
Hoshi tries to discover its goals.
Jon gets in their heads
Gives commands like sleep meds.
Trip's survival excuses all plot holes!
Fallen Hero
V'Lar is a crook! Or isn't she?
A Vulcan with humour? It cannot be!
The rude Mazarites
Thought they'd put out her lights
Jon asked Phlox to save her - and didn't he?
Desert Crossing
Zobral enticed Archer and Trip
for geskana their shirts off to rip,
"Male" soup made them gag,
Damned heat made Trip sag,
(Let's rewind to that part where they strip!)
Two Days and Two Nights
"There's no crime on Risa," said Trip
"Rock-climbing is safe" -- Travis' slip
Then our boys got mugged
And poor Arch got drugged
While Hoshi smiled all round the ship
Shockwave, Part I
No Paraagan got out of there hurtless
When Daniels time-zapped Jon, why shirtless?
Angst, guilt, and contrition
A Soval-cancelled mission
And a 31st century Earth-less?


Shockwave, Part II

"Enough!" shouted Forrest, "You're through!
I've had it with the whole crew!
Gazelles? --- What a speech!
You're no one to preach
Now I've got to go head off a coup!"

Carbon Creek

T'Pol said, "I've a story to tell
(And a lovely NY bridge to sell)
'bout how I made Velcro
With a pool-husslin' fel-low
'N blew first contact history to hell!"


Malcolm said, "I'm the man for the job!"
As he held back a skewered-leg sob.
Jon'll work while he chats
Watched by Romulan rats
And carefully twists each dial fob.

On and on whined the 'Angel of Doom'
"Boy, you suck the life out of the room."
Said Jon, "Stop being lame!"
As the Rommies took aim
They got clear just in time for the BOOM

Dead Stop

The creepy white station's repairs
Seemed an answer to everyone's prayers.
But Mayweather's body
Makes the deal shoddy
Rapid exit, leaving bomb in arrears

The creepy white station's repairs
Seemed an answer to everyone's prayers.
But Mayweather's body
Makes the deal shoddy
To think 'proto-borg' no one dares

A Night in Sickbay

Our captain was upset and cranky
The episode was really stanky
The Pyrithian bat
Knew where it was at
And flew into Hoshi's white hanky.


Klingon Korok growled, "Where's my stuff?"
Said Archer (again) "That's enough!"
T'Pol held a class
On how to kick ass
And Tessic and friends called their bluff.

The Seventh

T'Pol was disturbed by her flashbacks
And her self-control start'd to show cracks.
Trip worried, but still ate
Phlox and Reed had to wait
And *Travis*(!) found the biotox packs.

The Communicator

"From my pocket it must have slipped!"
So back to the planet they tripped
Mal and Archer in trouble
Trip's down at the double
With a half-cloaked right arm equipped


CARRRRRROTS!!!!!! echoed from the mess hall.
Trip and Mal, like young schoolboys they did brawl.
Dr Phlox went knife happy.
Archer's writing was crappy.
But at length they were saved by ol' T'Pol.

Vanishing Point

A transporter malfunction; what shock!
Hoshi's gone like a dryer-lost sock.
An alien scare
Gave her courage to dare
To transport, and Jon didn't mock!

Precious Cargo

In a box, Tucker found sleeping beauty.
To return her, unharmed, was his duty.
He's the King of the Swamp
(In which they did romp)
Even though the good woman was quite snooty.

The Catwalk

A terrible storm was a'brewin'.
They hardly knew what to be doin'.
Then rude troopers boarded.
"No showers!!??" Reed snorted.
And the poor ship was nearly ungluin'.


The moon spun toward blazing dawn
(Which means Trip had fewer clothes on)
While Trip skyward looked
The alien cooked
But Trip managed to save Zho'Khaan.


While Phlox played the doc for old Tee-Pol,
His wife earned the nickname "Ms. Feels-All"
By rubbing our Tuck
Like a haresfoot for luck
While Jon showed the Vulcans were real small.

Cease Fire

Shran wanted Jon in the middle
of the Vulcan-Andorian riddle
Tarah got herself canned
Trip shone in command
but Soval hates to play second fiddle

Future Tense

When Trip and Mal worked on the pod
They started to note something odd
When Trip and Mal worked on the pod
They started to note something odd
When Trip and Mal worked on the pod
They started to note something odd
When Trip and Mal worked on the pod
They started to note something odd
A wrinkle in time?
"Was that your line or mine?"
"We've done this before, my old sod!"


What *was* that on Chatty Guy's face?
Black Plague. He's the doctor's test case.
His wattles were flapping
His pie hole was yapping
And Trip's thinking, "Damn, where's my Mace?"

The Crossing

Wissssp!Trip really went for the chow
And his friends weren't leavin' nohow.
Hoshi simmered, Mal leered,
Tough!Phlox was to be feared
Concerned!Archer furrowed his brow.

Wissssp!Trip had everyone fooled.
Wisssp!Malcolm Reed said, "Yeah, Sex Ruled!"
Travis nearly got gored
Rostov's Wissssp soon got bored.
Some saw PJ!Polly and drooled.


Tucker had nothing to do
(which partly was why this ep blew).
He had like six lines
and most of 'em whines.
It looks like the short straw he drew.

"Enemy of the Empire!" they yelled
Until Archer and his advocate gelled
T'Pol persuaded
A prison guard aided
And obstacles to honor felled.


Bad news makes the Sweet Spot feel sour
Paul "welcomes" Trav home with a glower
"I'm the king of this ship,
Don't gimme no lip!
But while you're here, boost up the power."

T'Pol wasn't too keen on seeing Frankenstein.
But she dug it! And chowed popcorn like human swine.
All pumped for tomorrow,
While dressed up like Charo,
The Doctor said "This is sublime!"

The Breach

The Antaran was madder than heck
But Phlox kept his temper in check.
Thus a breach healed by Phlox
While the boys got off on rocks
Filled another quite average Trek.

The tribble was out of the box
Had it sense, it would run like a fox.
But it didn't have legs
Lizard said, "could be eggs,
But it tastes like coquilles St. Jacques"

The tribble was out of the box.
Had it sense, it would run like a fox.
But it sat there and chirped
Until Phlox's plant burped
Which shook Hoshi down to her socks!

Malcolm and Trip were quite sore
From sliding along the cave floor.
Travis saving their bacon
From a bloody mess makin'
But as for the ropes, we say, "More!"

Malcolm and Trip were quite sore
From sliding along the cave floor.
Travis saving their bacon
From a bloody mess makin'.
The guy really should rock climb no more!

In sickbay our poor boys were achin'
From falls that their backsides were breakin'
Yet worse than the pain
Was a lingering stain
On their reps, 'cause Phlox thought they were fakin'.

Phlox in sickbay was minding his shiznit.
Trav said "We make it? We take it."
The Denob rockhounds
Annoyed Trip out of bounds
And he threatened to shoot them where they sit!


Watching Reed eat cheese was lovely
Let's see him do it in the buff-ly
And not whack his head
over an alien instead
But talk about armaments gruffly.

Trip only went where his heart led
He did not want poor "Charlie" dead.
But with all good intention
Well meant intervention
Made tragedy unfold instead.

"Angst!", all the viewers demanded
They couldn't have had more, to be candid
But now that they've seen it
They think they don't mean it
And feel as though they've just been stranded

We give here an honourable mention
To ENT's writers for paying attention
To what fans were asking
Instead of just basking
In eps with no Archer/Trip tension.

Jon's face of rage was just masking
His own sense of guilt which was blasting
A hole in his heart
Fueled at least in part
By the look of despair Trip was casting.

Is it time for them to start
To pull Trip and Archer apart?
To show their despair
And boldly go where
They must choose between "right" and "what's smart"?

Tucker stood with his head bowed
As into his friend Archer plowed
But Jon's got some gall!
He's screwed up, after all.
Who's to say what can't be allowed?

Critics said it was not Tucker's call
To help out an alien in thrall.
But our man held true
For all the good it'll do.
Now he feels about 3 inches tall.


Oh no! Phlox is a nanoprobe host!
But a cure for Borgism soon he may boast.
Ya know, I wouldn't fret
'Cause they'll hit the reset
Button after a season, at most.

That Borg in the ice, recall him?
What became of his dismembered limb?
A weapon perhaps?
Node for GPS maps?
Did he spend too much time in the gym?

First Flight

NX-Alpha got out of drydock
While Trip wished for Ruby's white frock.
A.G. and Jon soared
While the Vulcans deplored,
Saying Henry's engine was a crock.

While the crowd watched A.G. and Jon warred
(And Trip saved the beer from the horde)
Ruby yelled, "Stop it now!"
So Trip showed them how
This fighting they could ill afford.

The Commodore had a big cow:
"A.G.! Archer! You'll get it! And how!!"
But Trip taught them to scoff
So they just laughed it off
And wiped sweat from the collective brow.


"Doctor, your clothes you must doff."
"Please don't touch me! You're ill!" ::cough cough cough::
Reed played the gentleman.
Said T'Pol, "You're no fun!"
(C'mon, did you think they would boff?)

Skalaar said to Archer, "You're mine!"
Archer said, "You won't get me, you swine!
I escaped Klingon jail
When T'Pol refused bail
But I love the nose job - it's divine!

Trip walked to decon with a plate
for there his T'Pol did await
but to his dismay
Phlox took her away
To cure her premature urge to mate

Archer got tricked by a pig
Whom he thought was an alien big-wig.
Archer gave him a tour
Unaware that the boar
Only wanted him for his new brig.

Feeling all ouchy and sore
T'Pol slowly stood from the floor
"Doctor Phlox, should I be
Embarrassed to see
Lieutenant Reed any more?"

The Expanse

Trip's not much for navel-gazing,
Prefering to spend time Hell-raising
But when it's his sister
That's when he get's pissed, sir
and heads off for some Xindi-razing.

Into the expanse Ent has gone
Is the "Expanse" set-up one big CON?
Only Porthos knows
So he comes to blows
With fans who just can't get along

To stay with the ship T'Pol chose
And follow where Jon boldly goes
But we know the truth
Jon's callipygian, forsooth,
So she'll follow behind if he'll pose

Trip said, "When I was but a youth
I'd threaten to break off the tooth
Of the boys in the class
of the Tuckers' wee lass
If they didn't show charm, tact, and couth!"


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