What Lies Within Us - Chapter 7

What Lies Within Us

by Gabi

Disclaimers in Chapter 1

******

Chapter 7

Straightening his posture, Jonathan Archer watched the sickbay doors slide open, determined not to let any of his worry show when he faced his friend. Trip was lying on one of the biobeds, raising his head when Archer entered. On the adjoining bed lay Malcolm, soundly asleep. Archer smiled slightly at the sight.

"He carried me all the way, Cap'n," Trip said quietly. "I thought he'd collapse in this thin air, but he's as tough as they come."

"He is," Archer agreed, patting Trip jovially on the shoulder. "And you are, too. How do you feel?"

"I'm alright. Doc has taken good care of those grazes. I think he's plannin' to stick another one of his slimy critters into me, but so far I managed to prevent that happenin'."

The Captain laughed, but became serious again when he saw Phlox coming around the corner. The Denobulan's usually serene features were creased with worry. Alarmed, Trip propped himself up on his elbows.

"Doc?"

Phlox turned to the Captain and T'Pol, who stood silently next to Archer. "I've analyzed the Commander's blood and run several tests on him. It looks like he was injected with a nerve poison that blocks the connection between his brain and the motoric nerves in his legs. Strangely, though, the sensual nerves are not affected. Commander Tucker is able to feel his legs, but he cannot move them."

"What kind of nerve poison would have that effect, doctor?"

There was a moment's hesitation, then Phlox said: "I don't know."

Trip's eyes grew wide. "What d'ya mean, you don't know?"

Phlox turned his head to look at him. "The neurotoxin consists of several substances that are completely unknown to me. I don't know what they are made of, I don't know what effects they have and why they would affect only the nerves in your legs. And I'm afraid I don't know how to neutralize them. Not yet, at least."

Silence fell as the full meaning of Phlox' words slowly sank in. T'Pol raised her eyebrows and Archer took in a sharp breath, but Trip only stared at the doctor. He swallowed dryly.

"D'ya mean you can't help me, doc? My legs will stay paralyzed?"

"I'm afraid so, Commander. This doesn't mean that I'm ready to give up, though. I'm sure that with T'Pol's assistance I'll sooner or later find a cure."

It didn't sound very convincing, though. Trip's face was drained of all color when he looked at the Captain. "Jon," he whispered hoarsely.

Taking Trip's hand, Archer squeezed it tightly, feeling his chest contract at the pain on his friend's face. His Chief Engineer was paralyzed. Trip was no longer able to walk. And they all realized that it might as well be permanent. What could he say? Jonathan swallowed. "Don't give up hope just yet, Trip. Phlox has worked one or the other miracle before. All you'll need is a little patience."

Trip gave no answer. He had his eyes closed, his breathing coming in ragged shallow gasps. Jon saw a single tear falling from the Commander's eye and running down his temple. Gently he reached out and wiped it off. "I'm here, Trip," he assured his friend. "Whatever happens, we're gonna get through this together."

Phlox pressed a hypo against Trip's neck. "He'll sleep until tomorrow," he said to Archer. "With your permission I'll have T'Pol take a look at my test results. Not that there is much of a result," he added in an unusually frustrated tone of voice. The Captain had never seen him like this before. Usually Phlox would see something positive even in the most dire of situations.

"Of course, doc." Jon felt Trip's hand grow limp in his own and gently placed it on the bed. With a last glance at his friend's face which relaxed as he slipped deeper into slumber Jon turned around - and met the eyes of his Tactical Officer who was staring at him with an expression of utter shock and dismay on his face.

-###-

His eyes still closed, Trip heaved a sigh and yawned, feeling wonderfully rested after a good night's sleep. Soon his alarm clock would ring, telling him that it was time to get up and start a new day in Engineering. But Trip wasn't willing yet to open his eyes and take a look at the clock. Surely he had still five minutes time left. He shifted. Somehow he felt strange. And the bed was different, too, not at all like his own. More like one of the biobeds in sickbay.

Then the memories hit him like a ton of bricks. He was in sickbay. He was lying in a biobed. And his legs were paralyzed. His sleepiness completely gone, Trip tried to move them. He felt them under the covers, but they wouldn't move.

"No," Trip whispered when yesterday's events and their consequences came back full force. For several minutes he simply lay there, unable to formulate a clear thought while the memories flooded his mind and left him to deal with the cold reality of what had happened. Phlox could not help him. The doctor had no idea what kind of nerve poison it was that the aliens had injected into the engineer's spine. It consisted of substances that no one aboard knew anything about, and thus couldn't be neutralized by anyone, not even Phlox.

Trip suppressed a sob. He was handicapped, a cripple for the rest of his life, most likely. Taking a look around, he noticed that the bed next to his was empty. Malcolm was probably back in the Armory, fit for duty after taking a good long rest. And what about Trip's duties? The Commander thought of his Engineering department, the narrow hallways, the stepladders, the catwalks. Without his legs he would be of no use there. He was of no use to Enterprise. Starfleet would order him back and find a replacement. What a way to return home. Commander Tucker, famous Chief Engineer of the starship Enterprise, coming back a cripple from a simple away mission whose only purpose had been to gather a few mineral samples. Trip squeezed his eyes shut to make the burning sensation go away. It was so humiliating. Suddenly a thought came to his mind and Trip felt an icy knot forming in his chest. Starfleet would send the Vulcans to pick him up. The mere idea of it made Trip's blood run cold. The thought of having to endure their rigid looks and faces for several long weeks while he had to rely on their assistance was worse than everything else.

"Good morning, Commander." Trip refused to open his eyes. How could Phlox sound so cheerful when Trip had just realized his life had come to an end?

"I know you're awake, Commander. I've got something for you."

Trip's curiosity got the better of him. Sighing, he raised his head. When he saw what Phlox had brought him, he only stared at the doctor with wide disbelieving eyes.

-###-

An hour later Jonathan Archer entered sickbay.

"You should have called me earlier," he said to Phlox in an reproachful tone of voice.

"Sorry, Captain," the doctor said pleasantly. "Commander Tucker needed some time to sort out his thoughts."

"How is he?"

"Physically fine. As for the rest... well, you can imagine, I think."

"Can't you do something for him?"

"I can give him a wheelchair."

Jon flinched. "That is unacceptable, doctor."

"I know, Captain, but at the moment that is the only help I can offer. Except for the fact that his legs won't respond to the impulses of his brain, Commander Tucker is in a fine condition. He's not suffering from any infection, he's not in pain and has no complaints except that he can't move his legs. Of course the new condition needs getting used to, and this will naturally come very hard on an agile man like him, but there is no reason for him to remain in sickbay any longer. I released him to his quarters, but he doesn't want to go."

Jon's eyes widened. "Trip doesn't want to leave sickbay?" he asked incredulously.

"No, Captain. He seems to be afraid of what might await him beyond these doors. Maybe you'll be able to convince him that his life doesn't end here. I think that is exactly what he believes."

Jon nodded, briefly closing his eyes, trying to find the strength he was going to need for this confrontation.

-###-

Trip was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. A few meters away stood a wheelchair. Jon surmised Trip had pushed it away so he wouldn't have to see it. There were also a few padds lying on the nightstand, but Trip ignored them as well. Jon gave them a brief glance.

"Lieutenant Hess brought them," Trip said without looking at Jon.

"And you're not interested in any of it?"

Trip merely shrugged.

"Hoshi was able to decode some of the data you brought from the surface." Drawing himself a chair, Jon took a seat next to the bed. "Seems like that species has its own written language that doesn't correspond at all with the verbal sounds you told us about. It's quite a difficult job, but Hoshi thinks she was able to class some of the mathematical symbols and as soon as she's done she'll be able to determine their number symbols. We might be well on the way to get access to their technology."

Again, Trip only gave an indifferent shrug. Jon watched him for a while when suddenly a thought came to his mind.

"Do you know Enterprise is caught in a tractor beam these aliens are generating?"

Trip's head snapped around. "No! When did this happen?"

"They activated it shortly before you came back aboard. T'Pol thinks that the data you downloaded might provide information we could use to block or deactivate it. She could use some help."

Trip swallowed with difficulty. "I can't do that, sir."

"Why?"

Trip tried to turn around to face Jon. Holding on to the edge of the bed he pulled himself onto his side, but his legs wouldn't move at all. Jon tried not to let the shock show on his face. Phlox' simple statement that Trip couldn't use his legs implied a lot more than only that mere fact.

"That's what I'm talkin' about," Trip whispered hoarsely. He hadn't missed the look in Jon's eyes. "I can't bear havin' everybody look at me like that, least of all T'Pol."

"Why T'Pol of all people?"

"Did it ever cross your mind that we wouldn't be in this situation if I had listened to T'Pol? She told me this mission was a stupid idea."

"Now wait a minute, Trip," Archer said defensively. "I sent you on this mission."

"Only because I suggested it. I wanted to bait her a little, show her that I was right and she wasn't. And now here I am, paralyzed, because I wouldn't listen to her advice. And she knows it."

"T'Pol's a Vulcan, remember? She'd never allow herself to feel that kind of emotion. And she'd never say 'I told you so'."

"Oh, she doesn't have to say it. She'll give me that cool stare of hers, raise her eyebrows and I'll know perfectly well what she's thinkin'."

"Trip. It's Malcolm's job to be paranoid, not yours. T'Pol is only being professional. And I don't believe she'd think of you in that way. Besides, you were right. There was a lot more in that area than her scanners would ever have detected."

"Yeah, and what did it get me? Useless legs and looks of pity."

"Trip, everybody's shocked about what happened to you, and they want to help you, but I'm sure there'll be no looks of pity."

Trip snorted derisively. Sighing inwardly, Jon racked his mind for arguments that would convince Trip that he was still a valuable member of the crew.

"Trip, when Rostov broke his leg and had to use crutches for a few days you didn't stare at him either."

"That was different, Jon. Mike Rostov had a broken leg. I'm a cripple. And it looks like I'm gonna be one for the rest of my life."

"Trip." Jon was at a total loss what to do. It hurt his very soul to hear Trip say these things in that bitter tone of voice.

"That's right, Jon," Trip said. "A cripple. Just look at me. Look at that wheelchair. How'm I supposed to run my department sittin' in that thing? You know how Engineerin' is designed. It won't work. And what use is a Chief Engineer who can't even reach the controls? Starfleet's gonna order me back anyway. Did ya tell Forrest yet?"

"The aliens are blocking our comm frequencies."

"Good. That way I got a last respite, after all."

"Dammit, Trip." Jon felt a sudden surge of anger. "Do you know what you're saying?"

"Sorry Cap'n. Just mah big mouth."

Jon gave his friend a long look. He knew now what was bothering the young engineer most of all.

"Listen Trip, no matter what Forrest says, the only place to help you is here aboard Enterprise."

"I don't think Starfleet's gonna agree with you there. Enterprise is an exploration vessel, not a hospital ship."

"But back on Earth they won't be able to help you. Phlox hasn't yet exhausted his possibilities. Maybe we'll find a cure in that database when we've found a way to access it. T'Pol said it contains an extensive amount of data. And if we don't find anything in there, then maybe there's another species who are familiar with these substances and who are willing to help us. And that's exactly what I'm going to tell Starfleet in case they give us any trouble."

"And the Vulcans, too?" Trip allowed himself a small smile.

"The Vulcans, too," Archer assured him. "I won't let them take you away, Trip. You belong on Enterprise. It wouldn't be the same without you. You're much more than only Chief Engineer and Second Officer. The crew loves you, no matter whether you're able to walk or not."

Trip grimaced.

"We'll find a way, Trip. Believe me, that wheelchair isn't the end of the road for you. I'm afraid you'll have to get used to it for a while, though."

Casting a glance at the wheelchair, Trip shuddered.

"Charles Tucker, the cripple," he mumbled dully. "I never thought I'd end up like this."

"Then don't go thinking of yourself that way." Patting Trip on the shoulder, Jon got up. "You may not be able to walk, but as long as you find the strength to deal with it, you're not a cripple." Jon paused for a moment. "Gotta go back now. You go get some rest and don't let the whole thing drive you crazy. Everything's going to be alright."

Trip nodded, closing his eyes. If only he had been able to believe that.

-###-

"How is he?" Malcolm asked when Archer entered the ready room.

"Not so good."

"Then it'll be some time until Phlox releases him so he can help us?" Lieutenant Hess asked disappointedly.

"Phlox has already released him, but Trip doesn't want to go."

"Trip doesn't want to leave sickbay?" Malcolm and Hoshi asked in unison. They exchanged glances.

"So he's worse than I thought," Malcolm added.

"The fact that Phlox isn't able to help him hit him hard. But I'm sure he'll be alright."

"Yes, but when? We need him here." Hoshi cast a frustrated glance at the data displayed on her padd. "Lieutenant Hess thinks these passages might base on Pythagoras's theorem, but she can't tell for sure either."

"My guess is that this is a calculation of the cloaking field," T'Pol offered.

"You guess," Hoshi mumbled irritably. "Commander Tucker might know." She looked up. "Excuse me, Subcommander."

"You are absolutely right, Ensign," T'Pol answered calmly. "I have a certain knowledge of the matter, but I am not a gifted engineer like Commander Tucker. If there is anyone who would be able to make sense of these figures and blueprints, then it is he. His assistance would be of utmost use."

"Indeed it would," Lieutenant Hess sighed. "I used to think I knew quite a lot about machines, but this is just so complicated. Whenever I think I've understood one of the components I find it's connected with at least three others that make no sense at all."

Malcolm looked from one to the other, then fixed his eyes on Captain Archer. "Did I get you right, sir, that Phlox does not see any reason for Trip to still remain in sickbay? The Commander would be able to help us, but he prefers to lie around on his bed and act if none of that was any of his business?"

Jon sighed. Malcolm's statement hit the nail on the head, but it sounded very harsh the way he put it.

"This whole thing is really getting him down, Lieutenant. He just needs a little time to think."

"But we don't have that time," Malcolm said, an exasperated undertone creeping into his voice. "It's not like we're trying to decode some ancient culture's hieroglyphs to find out how they used to make fire! We're caught in the tractor beam of a hostile species!"

"There is no use in getting upset, Lieutenant," T'Pol said in a calm tone of voice. "We cannot make Commander Tucker help us. It is quite a difficult situation for him, and when the Captain thinks he needs some more time we will just have to try and do without his advice."

"I'll talk to him again tonight," Jon decided. "Now that he's had some time to think about what I told him earlier, maybe he's feeling a little more optimistic than before."

"Let us take a look at these schematics," T'Pol suggested, calling up some kind of sophisticated blueprint. "This could be the main reactor. Do you recognize any of these symbols, Ensign?"

Hoshi frowned. "If you could tell me what those components do I might be able to make sense of them."

For about an hour they busied themselves with trying to decode the alien symbols, but didn't make much of a progress. When Hoshi murmured again that Trip would surely know the solution to this problem, Reed had had enough.

"Oh for pity's sake!"

Slamming his padd down on the table, he jumped up and stomped out of the room.

"Now what was that about?" Lieutenant Hess asked.

Hoshi smiled. "I think he's off to get us some help."

T'Pol raised an inquiring eyebrow.

-###-

Malcolm looked down at his friend. "We need to talk, Trip."

"Leave me alone, Mal." Trip was lying on his side, not bothering to look at Malcolm.

"Come on, Trip, doc says there's no reason for you to stay in bed."

Trip didn't move, trying to ignore Malcolm.

"Trip! We need you!"

Trip was still staring into space, but his voice was angry as he lashed out at Malcolm. "I told you to leave me alone, Lieutenant. So why don't you just get the hell outta here?"

Malcolm frowned. He knew this wasn't easy for Trip, but by now he was beginning to feel angry as well.

"No, I won't get the hell out of here, Trip. I'm the Security Officer of this ship, and we're caught in some alien tractor beam. Can you imagine it's driving me crazy, having no idea how to protect the ship? Hoshi's busy decoding the alien language, but she doesn't understand most of the technological terms. It's driving me nuts the way she keeps muttering you'd be able to understand these schematics."

"T'Pol understands them too."

"Not the way you do." Pressing his lips together, Malcolm rubbed one hand over his head. Trip's indifference was making him angry.

"Hess can take care of it."

"And what are you going to do?" Malcolm asked more vehemently than he'd intended to. "Lie around on that bed and wait for the world to come to an end? That's not what I carried you out of that building for, Commander. So you could lie around reveling in self-pity while your crew needs you to help save the ship. You may not be able to walk, but as far as I know, your head's in perfect working order." Malcolm noticed that he was shouting, and fought to keep his voice down, but his anger was still evident in his tone as he continued. "I don't understand you, Trip, how can you just lie around here when the ship's in danger? This is not the Trip Tucker I came to know. The Trip Tucker I know would try to make the best of things. He wouldn't simply give up. But I see it's no use, trying to talk to you."

Malcolm left, but when he'd reached the door he stopped to turn around one more time. His voice was very quiet and full of disappointment when he cast one last glance at Trip. "Maybe I should try to send those aliens a message," he said sarcastically. "Tell them they did just fine. Our best officer is so demoralized that he does no longer care a shit what happens to this ship and her crew. They'd be pleased to hear it."

Malcolm turned around and left. He never noticed the shocked expression on the engineer's face as Trip stared after his friend.

_______________________________________________

TBC

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Half a dozen of you have made comments

oh i can so see malcolm giving that speech!

continue please

What an emotional chapter. I feel for Trip. Lovely story. Please continue soon.

so...... u took me litterally bout the perm paralise thing, well u got 2/3 more chapters b4 i start going on again, i think thats wat i said.

Gr8 emotional speach from mal, i really could see him getting like that.

Poor Trip, i feel bad enough having an arm in a cast, dont ne1 understand the depression he's in?

Loevely btw, well written n all. Poor Trip, he'd b ok, specially if he solved the schematics, then starfleet wud see ENT can still use him....

Write more :)

Another fantastic chapter! Unfortunately they're in a situation where they can't afford to have him just give up.

I hope that the last line means that Malcolm managed to knock some sense into Trip. It sounds like Enterprise really needs him.

That was a brilliant chapter. I feel sorry for Trip.

Write more please.