What Does Not Kill Us - Chapter 7

What Does Not Kill Us

by Thalia Drogna

Rating: R
Genre: Action/Adventury, Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters, I’m just borrowing them

~~~

Chapter 7

T’Pol, Hoshi and Reed sat in the mess hall, it was late. Hoshi and Reed had been enjoying a cup of coffee before turning in for the night when they saw T’Pol enter the mess hall and had invited her to join them. She mentioned her success with the peaches and both officers congratulated her.

“I wish we’d thought of it sooner,” said Hoshi.

“Dr Phlox would not have been happy trying solid food earlier than today,” said T’Pol.

“The problem is that he can be a stubborn idiot when he puts his mind to it,” said Reed.

“I had noticed this attribute,” said T’Pol. “It would be far more logical for him to accept help when it is offered.”

“Not our Mr Tucker, oh no,” said Reed. “You can guarantee he’ll want to do it the hard way.”

Captain Archer entered the mess hall, got himself a cup of coffee and then noticed the three officers sitting together and decided to join them.

“We were just talking about Commander Tucker,” said Hoshi. “Did the doctor tell you anything about how his injuries are healing?”

“He still seems to be in a lot of pain,” said Archer, “although being Trip, he’s trying not to show it. Phlox thinks that the splints can come off his hands tomorrow, but the rest will have to wait a bit longer. At least that horrible rash seems to be improving.” Archer paused and then added, “I’m more worried about his state of mind.”

“It’s only been three weeks since we got him back,” said Hoshi. “It’s going to take time.”

“I can see that,” said Reed. “But hasn’t anyone noticed that he hasn’t even asked about Engineering?”

Archer nodded, “he hadn’t asked me but I wondered if he had maybe talked to one of you.” Everyone around the table shook their heads, none of them had been asked by Trip about Engineering.

“His current behaviour seems to either involve sleeping or staring at the ceiling,” said T’Pol. “From my previous experience of Commander Tucker when he’s ill, this is not how I would expect him to react. He usually would also ask when he could go back to duty.”

“I think I need to talk to him about what happened,” said Archer in a resigned tone. “I tried once but he just told me to leave him alone.”

“That’s another thing that’s strange, he says “leave me alone” a lot,” said Reed. “When he has a flash back it’s what he shouts, he says it in his sleep and it was what he said when he first woke up in Sick Bay.”

“He’s still really scared,” said Hoshi. “The other day I put a hand on his arm and he jumped out of his skin. I think he still expects the Xindi to come and get him, at least subconsciously.”

“Logically, I would suggest that being alone meant that he wasn’t being tortured,” said T’Pol.

“I agree,” said Archer, sipping his coffee. “I’m due to sit with him tomorrow so maybe I’ll try again to get the full story out of him. Phlox also thinks it might help if we can get him out and about. He was going to bring a wheelchair and give Trip a push around some of the corridors.”

****

As it turned out the wheelchair was not a good idea. Phlox had arrived that morning to find Travis sitting with the Commander. Trip was staring at the ceiling, awake but not talking. Beside the bed was the remains of Trip’s breakfast, scrambled eggs (only about half eaten) and a glass of water. Travis left when Phlox arrived so that Trip could have some privacy while the doctor examined him.

“I think we can take the splints off the fingers today,” said Phlox cheerfully. Trip had just nodded at the doctor and continued to look at the ceiling. He knew that before he would have made some remark about being pleased to get his fingers back but he just couldn’t be bothered.

Phlox made himself busy undoing the splints and removing the dressings from the damaged fingers.

“Right, lets see how much movement you’ve got,” said Phlox. “Try and move the fingers on your left hand.”

Trip gently bent the two broken fingers, they moved although they were very stiff. Then he gently flexed the right hand fingers. Trip winced, movement hurt.

“Good,” said Phlox. “Let’s try doing some exercises. Hopefully we should be able to restore full mobility to your hands within a couple of weeks.”

“Great,” said Trip, but it didn’t really sound as if he meant it.

Phlox took him through the exercises. It was painful but he’d been through worse, and as soon as he thought that he knew he couldn’t take any more.

“That’s enough for today, Doc,” said Trip, quietly. He withdrew his hands quickly and put them under the blanket.

Phlox looked a little surprised and then said “is there something wrong, Commander?”

“No Doc, just had enough,” said Trip. Phlox knew the look on Trip’s face from experience. The pain in his hands had reminded him of how they had been broken. Trip was back on the Xindi ship in his mind. Archer came into the quarters at that moment and Trip jumped at the door opening. When he realised what he’d done, he hung his head and sighed.

“How’s it going?” said Archer.

“Very well,” said Phlox, grinning. “I have taken the splints off and we have done a few finger exercises. They should return to full mobility in a couple of weeks time.”

“That’s good news,” said Archer.

“I was just about to suggest to Commander Tucker that he might like to go for a small excursion,” said Phlox.

“Excursion?” said Trip, looking worried.

“I brought a wheelchair with me from Sick Bay, its waiting outside,” said Phlox. “I thought Captain Archer might take you to the observation deck.”

“Might be nice to have a change in scenery,” said Trip, he sounded resigned. He had been getting fed up with looking at the same walls, but there was a reason why he hadn’t asked when he’d be able to be up and about. However, he couldn’t tell Archer or Phlox that he didn’t want to go. They would have wanted to know why.

Phlox went to get the wheelchair and Archer helped Trip to sit so that his legs were over the side of the bed. The bandages and cast on one foot didn’t make the job simple. From his grimly stoic face Archer knew that the movement wasn’t easy or pain free, but Trip said nothing. It was a slow process but eventually Phlox and Archer had Trip sat in the wheelchair. Phlox placed a blanket over the Commander’s knees and Archer moved around to take the handles.

“Are you ready?” he asked Trip once the Commander was settled. This was the first time that Trip would have been out of his cabin since his move from Sick Bay and Archer had a nagging doubt about it.

“Yeah, let’s go,” said Trip, all business.

Archer pushed the wheelchair towards the door. He didn’t notice Trip gripping the arm rests with grim determination and looking at the door with dread. Trip was trying to push himself through the back of the wheelchair without much success. However Phlox was more observant.

“Are you alright, Commander?” asked Phlox.

“I’m fine,” said Trip in a monotone, although it was obvious from his now pale face that he wasn’t.

“Trip, we don’t have to do this,” said Archer, squatting on the floor so that he could look at Trip.

“Yes, we do,” said Trip, with cold determination.

“Trip, you obviously don’t want to go out of that door. Do you want to tell me why?” asked Archer, as gently as he could.

“Are we going or not?” asked Trip in a slightly angry tone. Archer sighed.

“Trip, you’re going to have to talk about this at some point. Keeping it all inside you isn’t the way to deal with this,” said Archer.

“Either push the damn wheelchair or help me get back into bed,” said Trip, getting more angry by the minute.

“Okay, Trip, if you want to do it the hard way, be my guest,” said Archer and took the handles of the wheelchair again. Trip once more gripped the chair and edged as far back as he could into the seat. Archer wheeled the chair to the door and pushed the button to open it, it slid back and Trip cringed as best he could. Archer hated this, the last thing he wanted to do was cause Trip any more pain and it was undeniable that his friend was scared. Very scared. But what of? Was it because he was expecting there to be Xindi on the ship or was it just leaving his own cabin. Neither really made sense.

Once they got further down the corridor Trip settled down slightly, he was still gripping the armrests, and his body was extremely tense but at least he wasn’t flinching at every sound and movement. The corridors were quiet as it was mid shift and not many of the crew had reason to be moving around. Archer kept up a commentary as he pushed Trip towards the observation lounge. Trip didn’t seem to be listening. It was only when they reached the observation lounge that Archer decided to ask Trip something that he needed to reply to.

“Trip?” said Archer, trying to get his attention.

“Yes, sir,” said Trip, almost automatically.

“I was just asking if you wanted to go by Engineering on the way back, I’m sure Lieutenant Hess wouldn’t mind………” Archer was about to continue but Trip cut him off.

“No!” said Trip, he hadn’t meant to shout, it had just come out that way. “No, thank you,” he said more quietly. He looked out at the stars that were slowly drifting past at about warp three.

“Trip,” said Archer taking a seat so that he was on the same level as the man in the wheelchair. “This can’t go on.”

“What can’t go on?” asked Trip.

“It hasn’t gone unnoticed that you haven’t asked about Engineering once since your rescue,” said Archer. He paused hoping that Trip would jump in with an explanation, when he didn’t, Archer continued. “And I’m worried about you. You were obviously scared when we left your quarters and you’ve been rigid the whole journey here.”

Trip looked at Archer, he tried to remember what it felt like to be safe and to trust someone. This man was his friend, but how could he even begin to explain how it felt. He owed it to Jon to try, after everything that they’d been through, he couldn’t shut him out now. He took a deep breath. “My quarters are safe,” said Trip, haltingly. “I’d just about managed to convince myself of that. Well I didn’t have much choice, I was too ill to move and I knew I didn’t want to be in Sick Bay. So I told myself that my quarters were safe and I made myself believe it. The only problem is that nowhere else is, I expect to see the Xindi coming to drag me off to their lab around every corner. Hell, every time someone opens the door to my quarters I expect it to be the Xindi. I think I’m going mad.” He hung his head, defeated by the revelation that he hadn’t even really wanted to make to himself.

“It’s okay,” said Archer. “Trip, you’re not going mad. You can’t expect to get over this in a couple of weeks. Phlox was surprised that you’re as sane as you are. You’re doing really well.” Archer wasn’t sure that Trip was doing well but even if he wasn’t, Trip needed to be reassured.

“It’s worse than that,” said Trip. “Engineering.”

“What about it?” asked Archer.

“I don’t ever want to see the place again,” said Trip with feeling.

“Why not?” asked Archer, stunned by what his Chief Engineer had said.

“I can’t even think about anything to do with engines or mechanics or technical specs without remembering, and I don’t want to remember,” said Trip, miserably.

“I know you don’t want to remember what happened but it might help if you talked to someone,” said Archer. Then he added, “Trip, I need you to tell me what happened.”

Trip took a deep breath and suddenly his hands were really interesting. “They started by asking about the warp engines,” said Trip slowly. “One of the Xindi reptilians hit me if I didn’t answer. Which was a lot, because I kept my mouth shut. I think that’s when they broke the ribs, it was some time in those first few days any way. They wanted to know Enterprise’s top speed but I’m pretty sure that they already knew it, they just wanted me to tell them something. They were hoping that if I told them something easy, something which wouldn’t really hurt Enterprise, then I’d tell them the big stuff. When they were done they’d leave me in the cell, which was about my favourite place to be after a while. Even if they did keep it pretty cold.” He shivered at the memory. “The food wasn’t great either and to be honest after a while I didn’t feel much like eating.” Trip paused and Archer just let him gather his thoughts without interrupting. “I don’t really remember when, but at some point they decided that beating it out of me wasn’t working and there was this lab that they’d take me to.” His voice shook at this point and he put a hand to his eyes. Why did he feel so ashamed? He couldn’t have stopped them, there had been too many of them, but maybe he could have fought harder. He hadn’t been able to get that out of his head.

He told Archer in a halting voice about what the Xindi had done to him in the lab, how by the end of it all he’d wanted to do was die and he kept hoping that Enterprise would come for him, but as the weeks went by he was sure they wouldn’t. He told Archer about how he’d felt bad about not getting back for Hoshi’s Mah Jongg game and then he’d realised that he might never see any of the Enterprise crew ever again. He’d held onto the fact that Enterprise would come for him, it was the only thing that got him through some days, but as time went on he had started to give up hope. He knew they’d used drugs on him, the red rash was testament to that, and he worried that he’d told them something but they kept asking him the same questions over and over, and he hoped desperately that meant he hadn’t told them anything. But he couldn’t be sure, and Archer got the impression that hurt almost as much as what the Xindi had done.

Archer could see that Trip had been through hell. He already knew that, but hearing it from Trip’s own mouth somehow made it all the more real and horrible. Not everything the Xindi had done had broken bones and Archer found it very hard to hear what his friend had gone through. He was just as aware of how much telling him all this had cost Trip. He had drained all his strength, but he had one last thing he had to tell Archer.

“This is never going to go away, I dream about it, if something reminds me of it then I’m immediately back there and I can’t even throw myself into my work to forget, because that’s what this was all about.” Trip stopped and tried to gather himself together before he continued. “You know how much I loved being your Chief Engineer, Captain, but I just can’t do it anymore,” said Trip looking at his Captain with tear filled eyes.

“Let’s not make any decisions about that just now,” said Archer.

“But Captain, if I can’t even bring myself to go into Engineering what use am I going to be to you?” asked Trip desperately.

“Trip, you’re still not physically well. Let’s at least get you back on your feet before we worry about anything else. We’re going to take this one step at a time and you’re going to be okay. You should have seen this ship without you,” said Archer. “Enterprise needs you, Trip.” It was Archer’s turn to bare his soul. He told Trip how empty he felt without him, how T’Pol had worked so hard, how Hoshi had refused to put away the Mah Jongg set until he got back and how Malcolm had searched so hard to find the Jorgan merchant. Engineering had been like walking into a room full of automatons, everyone doing their job and trying not to think too hard about who was missing.

Trip looked at Archer wide eyed. “I had no idea,” he said.

“Don’t underestimate just how many friends you have on this ship, who all want to see you get well. And if you never want to work in Engineering again, well, then we’ll work something out, but only once you’re completely better,” said Archer. He looked at Trip again, the young engineer looked completely worn out as if he was tired to his very bones. “Come on, I’ll take you back to your quarters.”

Trip just nodded.

Continue to Chapter 8

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